


tear me down and i'll become the air you breathe

by q_is



Series: my heaven is you [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Idols, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Exes to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Lee Jeno/Park Jisung, Mentioned Park Jisung (NCT), Minor Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Other, Self Confidence Issues, Strangers to Lovers, TW:, Trans Character, Zhong Chen Le Needs a Hug, chenle is outed a few times, only jeno n kun n johnny are cis, please proceed with care, that aren't related to being trans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25685404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/q_is/pseuds/q_is
Summary: Chenle had tried. He thought that if he ignored it, if he pretended he couldn’t see it, then it wouldn’t be real. Then his heart wouldn’t yearn for something he shouldn’t want. Chenle hated it. It made his blood boil, that after all this time, he still wasn’t over it. He was still in love with Donghyuck. But now, he got himself into another mess.Chenle was still in love with Donghyuck. Might as well be in love with Jaemin too.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin/Zhong Chen Le, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Zhong Chen Le, Na Jaemin/Zhong Chen Le
Series: my heaven is you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2001427
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80
Collections: Trans NCT Fic Fest





	tear me down and i'll become the air you breathe

**Author's Note:**

> prompt #TFF007 - being a rising idol is all fun and games until someone debunks your love songs about an ex boyfriend you don't talk to anymore
> 
> aaa god this is finally done!! it was such a wild ride but it was so much fun!! *pats fic* this bad boy can fit so much yearning
> 
> this is so self indulgent, i didn't mean for it to end up as angsty as it did,, im sorry sdfghjk but i hope the ending makes up for it!!
> 
> all songs mentioned are from nu'est!! i wanted to make a playlist but i dont have spotify so sdfghjk i'll just name them at the end notes if anyone wants to check them out
> 
> please keep the tags in mind!!
> 
> tw: anxiety attacks, being outed, self confidence issues (not related to being trans!)
> 
> i think that's it but i might be forgetting something?? pls tell me if theres anything else i need to tag

**PARADISE’s Zhong Chenle’s songs are about his ex-boyfriend.**

I was looking through some stuff from school and found my middle school yearbook. I used to study with Zhong Chenle, before and while he was a trainee so I thought I should come and say what he was like.

He wasn’t very studious and was always very loud when playing with his friends so even if he wanted to keep this a secret it’d be impossible ㅋㅋ. He was very bubbly and kind, always walking with the same three people, including groupmate Jeno, his then boyfriend and a girl. He always used to ask for my help in math classes. Ah, Chenle was always very cute, even after he started transitioning ㅋㅋㅋ.

I remember once he lost his notebook and I ended up finding it, there were some loose pages in it that fell out, full of song lyrics. I was surprised because they were really good! So I decided to search a few that I remembered to see if he had ever released them and he had! It changed a bit but it’s definitely _Firework_ and _Love Paint_! Chenle was always very talented.

I ended up listening to all PARADISE’s songs and I really can see how some songs are still inspired by his ex boyfriend. They were very cute, they always walked around holding hands and everyone was very fond of them. Too bad they broke up. Here are some pictures as proof ㅋㅋㅋ.

  
  
  
  
  


[+648, -75] Oh wow, I didn’t expect this from Lele…

[+905, -547] So that is why all of Chenle’s songs are always so personal. To think he’s so young! Please don’t attack him for this.

[+798, -13] ㅋㅋㅋ so that’s why he had that one surgery NZ wouldn’t tell us about. Is the medication he needs about this as well?

[+87, -479] They were really cute!! So sad, Chenle is good at break up songs because he’s experienced it himself ㅠㅠ

  
  
  
  
  


“Chenle, wake up.”

Chenle came to with his roommate shaking him awake, blinking a few times to get used to the bright lights in their room, as well as Jeno’s face that was way too close to his. 

“Jeno?”

Jeno just stared at him, waiting for Chenle to wake up enough to understand why he was being woken up. 

“What time is it?”, he asked, voice hoarse from lack of use, sitting up on the bed.

“Four in the morning”, Jeno said, watching as Chenle put on his glasses and turned to stare at him.

“Why the fuck are you waking me up at four in the morning?”

Pardon his French, Chenle was tired. He had gone to sleep very late from playing video games with Jeno, since they didn’t have any schedules and wouldn’t for a while. They had finished promoting their latest mini album and were given a few weeks of rest before they had to start again.

“I’m sorry, I thought I should warn you”, Jeno said, holding on tightly to his phone. 

Chenle finally noticed how nervous Jeno looked, his lower lip had dried blood in it from where he had probably bit way too strongly a while ago. He didn’t look like he had slept at all.

“What happened, No?”

Now he was worried. Nothing about what was happening seemed fine. Jeno sighed, unlocking his phone and shoving it in Chenle’s face. Chenle had to hold his arm a few centimetres away to even begin to understand what was going on in there.

He took a while to read, dread piling up at the top of his stomach. He couldn’t believe his eyes.

“What”, he said, the article staring back at him like it was mocking him, “Hyung?”

Chenle let go of Jeno’s arm, wanting the device as far away from him as possible. Jeno locked his phone and threw it over to his bed before looking at Chenle.

“I don’t know, Lele. An old schoolmate, I guess”, he nervously went back to chew on his lip, “It’s getting a lot of reaction. Management will probably want to talk to you.”

“They outed me”, it was the only thing Chenle could think about, “They outed -”

He couldn’t say it. Chenle raised his hands from the bed just to stare at how much they were shaking. He couldn’t breathe. His heart was stuck in an iron grip.

“His name wasn’t mentioned. Whoever it was at least had the decency to blur his face”, Jeno said, getting Chenle’s hands in his, “Lele, look at me.”

Chenle did, eyes wide and burning with tears. This was all his fault. It said right there. All because he was loud and couldn’t keep his feelings in check. Jeno smiled at him, the best he could, before pulling Chenle by his hands into a hug.

“Breathe with me.”

Chenle held on to Jeno’s pajamas shirt, burying his face on his neck. He did his best to match Jeno’s breathing, aware that he was wetting his sleeve with his tears. Ruining it like he had just done everything else.

“I’m so sorry, hyung”, he sobbed against his neck, “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”, Jeno just hugged him tighter to his chest, “This is not your fault, hear me? Say it.”

“It’s not my fault”, he felt the guilt clawing at his heart as he said it.

“It’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Chenle wanted to tell Jeno that he shouldn’t make promises he didn’t know if he could keep. NeoZone had been nothing but supportive of him, but everything had a breaking point.

Even then, even with the feeling that his dreams were about to slip through his fingers, Chenle couldn’t help but think about _him_. 

“He’s going to hate me even more than he already does”, he said, muffled by Jeno’s shirt.

Jeno sighed.

“He could never hate you, Chenle. You know him better than that.”

Chenle used to. Maybe a few years ago when they were happy, before everything went to shit. They had never screamed at each other, yet when they broke up it was all they knew how to do. 

“I don’t know him anymore”, he let go of Jeno to dry his tears, hiding his face in his hands.

 _No more crying_ , Chenle told himself. There was nothing he could do about this now.

Jeno looked like he might’ve argued, until he saw Chenle’s face. He nodded, instead.

“Sleep, Lele. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Chenle laid down and waited as Jeno went to turn off the lights. They were a tight fit on Chenle’s small bed, but they made do.

“We’re in this together”, Jeno whispered against Chenle’s hair.

Chenle patted the bed until he found Jeno’s hand.

  
  
  
  
  
When Chenle woke up again, it was to Jeno’s rushed voice while talking to someone on the phone. He stayed still, with his eyes closed, just listening. Everything that had happened just a few hours ago finally started to sink in.

“He’s still asleep, hyung”, Jeno said, sounding tired.

Chenle’s heart hurt for the burden he had put on him. It was silent for a while as the person Jeno was talking to answered, Chenle could hear him but not make out what he was saying. Jeno sighed.

“We’ll be there”, he turned off the phone without waiting for an answer, “We have to be at the company by one.”

Chenle opened his eyes to see Jeno sitting at the end of the bed, looking right back at him. Of course Jeno could tell he was awake, what else was he expecting. 

He nodded.

“You think we’re fucked?”, it was a legitimate question.

But Jeno just laughed.

“I have no idea”, Jeno patted his leg as he got up, “Get ready, we’re going after lunch.”

Chenle could only nod as Jeno left the room. He sat up, rubbing his swollen eyes. Always a bad idea to cry before sleeping. Chenle sighed, deciding it was better to get this over and done with already. 

He met Jeno in the kitchen, dressed in all black in respect to their upcoming funeral. They both had their lunches in silence while they waited for their manager to come get them.

The ride to the company was uncomfortably awkward, but at least he had Jeno with him. Ten, their manager, played songs he knew they liked to try and take their edge off. Chenle appreciated that he tried.

They went straight to their CEO’s office when they got there.

“Sit down”, Mr. Seo said, pointing them to the two chairs in front of his desk.

Jeno and Chenle looked at each other before doing what he said, Ten going to stand by the door. 

The air was thick, Chenle had never been so nervous his whole life. Not even when he came out to his parents had it been this nerve wracking. 

“Well. We’re suing whoever wrote the article”, Mr. Seo went on, looking amused when he noticed the two boys relaxing on their seats, “We’re also working on protecting the both of you against malicious comments. There’s nothing we can do about the information that went out, it’ll be speculated about nonetheless, but we thought it would be better to let you decide if you want to confirm or deny it.”

His skin prickled with having everyone in the room staring at him, waiting for his decision. He started picking at his nails, taking a few moments to think about what this implied. 

It felt too personal to tell, but too wrong to deny when he fought so hard to accept it. 

Chenle had known his whole life he wasn't his mom's baby girl. His whole life he tried to come to terms with it. It wasn't until he told his parents and his friends that he wasn't who they thought he was that everything started making sense. 

He had some issues, he knew. But being ashamed of his history wasn't one of them.

“I just don’t want him involved”, he said, the one thing he was sure of. His ex had nothing to do with this, it wasn’t his fault and he had no business being worried for things out of his control. Chenle only wanted to not keep on being a burden to him, almost two years after their break up. “Otherwise, I guess… I, I don’t want to deny it.”

Jeno held out his hand and Chenle took it, while Mr. Seo nodded. 

“We’ll do it however you want.”

They decided that Chenle would post a letter first, before NeoZone’s official statement so they’d only put out information Chenle had already given. After deciding so, Jeno and Chenle were allowed to go, Ten following close behind. 

Ten stopped by an ice cream shop on the way home and got them the biggest tub he could find. They parked by the sidewalk in front of their building and started eating in the car.

“Today has sucked”, Chenle said, despite the fact it was like, three in the afternoon.

Ten hummed while Jeno nodded.

“Do you think _he_ knows?”, Jeno asked, getting another spoonful.

God. Chenle sure hoped not.

“I have no idea.”

He couldn’t imagine his reaction, which was probably the worst part. 

Back when they were dating, before everything went wrong, Chenle prided himself in being able to read him. One look, and Chenle knew exactly what he was thinking, could tell exactly what he’d do. Chenle didn’t know if he changed or _he_ changed. 

Either way, Chenle didn’t want to know.  
  
  


Before the day was over, Chenle wrote, read, reread and rewrote his letter a bunch of times before doing what he used to do in high school - deciding that fuck it. It couldn’t get worse than this.

He posted and threw his phone as far away as he possibly could, deciding that a nap was the only way to fix everything. 

It fixed absolutely nothing. 

When he woke up, it was to a million notifications from fans, old childhood friends and his family. Chenle took his time cleaning them out, only stopping to answer his mom before he noticed one unusual, awkward message from a number he promised himself to delete and never did.

Chenle thought about pretending he didn’t see it, ignoring it for a few hours as he went through his nightly routine. He must have looked really odd, because Jeno just stared at him as he watched Chenle move robotically through their room. Fun.

He had no idea what to do.

By the end, he was lying down on his bed, under his covers, staring at that one notification like it could tell him exactly what was going on. It was only when the clock turned three that he went to sleep, locking his phone and pushing it under his pillow and out of his mind.  
  
  
  


Everything changed and yet it was like nothing had happened.

Chenle went back to his routine - waking up late, practicing through the afternoon, spending the evening in the studio, playing video games until the sun came up. 

People at the company were careful around him now, like he was fragile and about to break. If he cared more, it might’ve made him mad. Currently it was just annoying. 

He got regular updates about the lawsuit, but it didn’t interest him. All he wanted was just a peaceful day. 

They decided a date for their comeback, making use of all the fuss around their name. Jeno was going to work on their choreographies, and as it was tradition, Chenle was going to create their songs. He distracted himself like this - didn’t check his social media, only answered to his family, worked most of the day and tried to write about anything that wasn’t _him._ It was a hard task.

But Chenle refused to give up.

“Hey”, Jeno called from the studio’s door, only his head peeking through.

Chenle turned to look at him from where he was, sitting on the floor against the wall. He had an open notebook in his lap, was twirling a pen in his fingers, but his page was still blank.

“Hm?”

Jeno got in the room, closing the door behind him.

“You okay?”

Jeno went to sit on the only chair in the place, rolling it until he was right next to Chenle. Chenle sighed, tapping the pen against the paper. Jeno had been the least overbearing person, but Chenle was starting to get tired of being asked if he was okay. He got outed. He had a breakdown. He was over it. He was just fine.

“Yes. I am okay. Why do you ask?”, Chenle raised his head to look at Jeno’s face.

Jeno looked everything but convinced.

“You haven’t been able to write”, he pointed out.

Which, fine, true. But he didn’t have to say it like that.

“I just- I don’t want to write about him anymore.”

It had been two years. Chenle was supposed to be done with it, but whenever he wrote it was the only thing he could think about. How it had been, how he felt about it. What he wished he had done differently. Chenle guessed it was because _he_ had been his first love, his one and only boyfriend. The only experience he had. 

Chenle was a creative person, he could make up a whole story in just a few hours, but he couldn’t lie. Not in his songs. It was not to say all were about his lost, failed love. Most of them, maybe.

Jeno raised his hand to play with Chenle’s hair.

“Do you want to move on or do you just not want him to have this over you?”

Chenle didn’t know. It was tiring being hung up on someone, but it was weird thinking about being done with this. It wasn’t like he was still hopeless in love. Chenle didn’t even think about him for most of the time but, when he remembered, he couldn’t help but want it back. Was he in love or just lonely?

Either way, Chenle didn’t want to be his beck and call ex. He had more dignity than that.

“Okay. Pay attention to me”, Jeno pulled a little on his hair, so Chenle turned to look at him, “I’m giving you permission to write one last song for him. It doesn’t have to ever see the light of day. Just one last song, and nothing more. After that, you move on.”

Chenle wanted to be petty and tell Jeno he didn’t need his permission to do anything, and it was true. But it still made him relax, like it was all he was waiting for. Just someone’s acceptance that he still felt like this, that it was okay but should stop for his own sake.

“Sounds good”, he breathed out, turning to rest his head on Jeno’s lap.

Jeno combed his fringe out of his forehead, patting his hair. Chenle closed his eyes and stayed, letting Jeno do whatever he wanted while he made a promise to himself. 

One more song and he was done. 

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle’s hands were trembling as he held his phone, reading his ex’s message a million times before taking a deep breath and answering him.

X: 

Hi, Chenle. It’s Donghyuck. I got your number from Jisung. It’s been a while, but I wanted to know if we could meet? I think we should talk.

Chenle:

Tomorrow at the old park, 11pm?

X: 

I’ll be there.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle sighed, looking around the park for Donghyuck. It was still early, but he was antsy, legs shaking, hands sweating. He cleaned them on his jeans, sitting by an empty bench. 

No one knew he was here, which he supposed, was a pretty bad idea. But Chenle knew no one would have agreed to letting him go, anyway. It was only a problem if someone found out, he told himself.

Chenle closed his eyes, trying to focus. It had been two years since he’d seen Donghyuck, and the last time wasn’t as pleasant and nice as he would’ve liked. He could still remember everything. Donghyuck’s red eyes, his trembling hands, the way Donghyuck looked at him. The same way Chenle had been looking at him. 

With hurt. Hurt and anger, because they couldn’t understand each other and couldn’t meet in the middle. Because they weren’t the same people they once were. He blamed Donghyuck for not getting it, Donghyuck blamed him for not trying enough.

Chenle had been trying so hard.

He rubbed his stinging eyes before opening them to see Donghyuck.

“Hi”, Donghyuck said, hands in his jean jacket pockets, looking incredibly uncomfortable to be there. 

Donghyuck had changed. He got a little taller, his voice got deeper, his hair got shorter. He had an undercut now, which looked nice. Donghyuck looked nice. More mature.

“Hi…”, he said, getting up so they were eye to eye.

He got satisfaction from knowing he was still taller than Donghyuck, anyway. They stared at each other, God knows for how long. Chenle took him in, wondering what Donghyuck was thinking. What Donghyuck saw when he looked at him. Chenle just wanted to hug him, to apologize. To beg for forgiveness? He didn’t know.

Chenle opened his mouth to speak, but got interrupted.

“Hyuckles”, someone else said, from behind Donghyuck, “Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

Chenle blinked, finally focusing on the other person. He didn’t know how he hadn’t seen them before, they were both around the same height, towering over Donghyuck. The first thing he noticed was their smile. It was pretty. Their eyes looked at Donghyuck with incredible softness. Chenle immediately felt like he was intruding.

It got cold all of a sudden.

“Right”, Donghyuck said, smiling at them from over his shoulder, “Sorry. Jaem, this is Chenle. Chenle, this is Jaemin. My partner.”

Donghyuck turned back to Chenle, and the fond smile left his face. A knot tied itself in his throat, as Jaemin walked forward to put their chin on Donghyuck’s shoulder.

“Nice to meet you, Chenle! Hyuck told me a lot about you.”

Chenle did not want to know what Donghyuck had told them.

“Nice to meet you too”, he choked out, doing his best to smile, though he was sure it looked more like a grimace. 

That wasn’t how this was supposed to be going. Chenle wasn’t supposed to feel his chest compressing at watching Donghyuck with someone else. He wasn’t supposed to feel his legs shaking, his eyes stinging. He regretted ever thinking this was a good idea. He just wanted to go home. 

“So…”, Donghyuck cleared his throat, curling on himself, “I’m sorry about the article.”

He did look sorry, which was probably the worst part. Chenle chewed on his lower lip.

“Comes with the career.” 

It shouldn’t, but it did. Donghyuck nodded, seeming unsure of what to do now. Chenle couldn’t help him, he could barely help himself, but Jaemin decided to save the both of them, clearing their throat.

“Well. There’s a convenience store around the corner, I’m gonna go get a popsicle, does anyone want anything?”, they let go of Donghyuck, putting some space between the two of them.

The more steps they took, the better Chenle could breathe.

“Whatever you have is fine”, Donghyuck said, looking at them.

Chenle just shook his head, aware that if he ate anything, he was going to throw up. How pathetic of him to think he had been ready for this. Jaemin nodded, giving Donghyuck a kiss on the cheek, and Chenle a reassuring smile, before walking off.

Donghyuck and Chenle watched them go. The silence stretched around them, louder than any scream. Chenle was half tempted to double press the button on his phone that called his emergency contact, wanting more than anything for Jeno to come save him. Donghyuck sighed, going to sit on the bench Chenle had been in. Chenle stared ahead at the familiar neighborhood, where he, Jeno, Donghyuck and Jisung spent countless hours of their high school years. 

He couldn’t keep hiding himself behind Jeno, he decided, turning to sit beside Donghyuck.

“I’m sorry”, Chenle said, refusing to look at Donghyuck, knowing that if he did, he would cry “I’m sorry you got dragged in my mess, again.”

Donghyuck stared at him, analyzing. Chenle almost felt naked under his gaze.

“That wasn’t your fault, Chenle", Donghyuck sounded way too gentle for comfort, "Besides, my face was blurred, they didn’t mention my name, I’m fine.” 

Chenle let out a long breath, the relieved type. One he didn’t know he had been holding for a while. Donghyuck wasn’t mad at him, they weren’t going to fight. Chenle didn’t mention any other classmate of theirs could pitch in and out Donghyuck too. Better not jinx it, for neither of them.

“Then…”, he forced out, risking a glimpse at Donghyuck’s face. He didn’t look angry. He didn’t look hurt. As a matter of fact, Donghyuck looked nothing. Chenle had never seen him so blank. He didn’t know how to deal with it, “Why did you message me?”

Something flicked through Donghyuck’s eyes, but it was gone as soon as it appeared. His cheeks seemed rosy, Chenle couldn’t tell if it was because of the light.

“Because”, Donghyuck cleared his throat, being the one to turn away this time, “Because of the songs.”

His eyes widened, cold shame sipping through his spine. He had forgotten all about them. How embarrassing must he look? He didn’t want to know. He couldn’t answer. 

“Are any of them recent?”, Donghyuck’s voice got lower, filled with something Chenle couldn’t decipher. He had never heard it before.

His silence said more than any of his words could, Chenle knew, but his voice wouldn’t come out. Donghyuck looked at him, and Chenle probably looked outright pathetic. Wide eyes, heavy breathing, he was giving himself away. 

“Oh...”

Chenle could deal with a lot of things. He had so much shit thrown his way, most, if not all, of his life. But he couldn’t handle being known, being read. Not by anyone, especially not Donghyuck. Not anymore.

He shook his head.

“A- Actually”, he forced out, feeling like someone else was using his voice, "They’re… They’re not. They’re old ones. I- I don’t write about you anymore.”

His heart felt like ripping out of his chest. It was a lie. A bad lie. Chenle wasn’t sure Donghyuck believed him or not, as soon as he started talking, Donghyuck’s face was blank again. Chenle hated lying, Donghyuck hated liars. 

Still, Donghyuck nodded.

“Good”, he said, effectively breaking Chenle’s heart in two, “It wouldn’t do anyone any good if they were new.”

Chenle knew what he meant. Donghyuck had a new partner now, it was at least disrespectful, at most borderline creepy. Chenle knew. He agreed.

“Yeah. I’m over that.”

Another lie, a better one this time. One Chenle was going to make true, no matter what. Donghyuck gave him a small smile. It didn’t reach his eyes.

“Hey…”, Jaemin stopped beside Donghyuck, three popsicles in their hand, apprehensive at interrupting them, “Is everything okay?”

Donghyuck seemed surprised to see them, and Chenle took in comfort knowing he wasn’t the only one not paying attention to his surroundings.

“We’re fine”, Donghyuck said, looking at Jaemin.

Jaemin looked back at him. Chenle just watched as they talked through their eyes, once more feeling like he was intruding, seeing something he wasn’t supposed to, wasn’t part of. Jaemin nodded, handing Donghyuck a popsicle, before turning to Chenle with their extra one.

“I got you chocolate, Hyuckles said it was your favorite”, Jaemin said, sounding like a question.

Chenle opened his mouth to say something, but found he didn’t know what, taking it from Jaemin in a daze. It _was_ his favorite.

“Thank you.”

He stared at the doll on the wrapper, smiling like it was taunting him. Donghyuck got up from the bench, popsicle in one hand, Jaemin’s hand in the other, turning to Chenle. 

“It was nice seeing you”, this time, Donghyuck looked like he meant it, “Glad that you’re doing well.”

Chenle nodded, unsure if well was the word to describe it.

“It was nice seeing you too”, he said, thankful to keep a little of his dignity, “And it was nice meeting you, Jaemin.”

Jaemin smiled, big and all teeth, nodding. Donghyuck turned to leave, taking Jaemin with him, and Chenle watched them take a few steps, before Jaemin looked back. 

“I really like your songs!”, they said, waving with the one hand that Donghyuck wasn't holding, “They’re really pretty.”

Chenle waved back, wonderstruck at their words, as Donghyuck looked over his shoulder at them, Jaemin smiling back at him. It wasn’t long until they were out of sight, and it was just Chenle, his melting popsicle, and what was left of his heart.

  
  
  
  
  


When he got back to the dorm, Jeno was still where he had left him, over at his desk, crossing his animals. Chenle made as little noise as possible, to not alert him of his presence. He took a shower, changed, went to bed, and refused to think about what had happened.

Easier said than done. He closed his eyes, and they were all he could see. Donghyuck’s hard facade, only faltering when looking at Jaemin. It had been him, once. The person Donghyuck couldn’t look at without smiling. And Chenle wasn’t even allowed to be mad, be angry. He brought them into this, he wrote the songs. He lied.

Chenle sat up, tossing his covers to the floor. Jeno finally looked at him, surprised, as Chenle jumped to his feet, going to put on his shoes and find his coat.

“Where are you going?”, Jeno asked, turning around in his chair.

Chenle stopped by the door just enough to answer him.

“Gonna finish that fucking song.”

Chenle spent the whole night in the studio, putting all his thoughts and feelings into his notebook. He made a mess of paper balls on the floor, but it didn’t matter. 

It would be hard to exist the next day, but Chenle finally felt like he was starting to be free. 

  
  
  
  
  


“ _Those words, words I say to myself, lie lie lie, they’re all lies_ ”, Jeno read, and Chenle cringed at having his lyrics thrown in his face, “ _Is what I’m feeling loneliness, or is it sorrow from losing you? Or is my heart just twisted?_ ”

Chenle turned around in his chair, back to his equipment, so he wouldn’t have to see Jeno’s face. He hated when Jeno did this - read his lyrics out loud. Which sucked, because Jeno couldn’t read in silence for shit. 

“ _I miss you even more, babe. Tear me down and I’ll become the air you breathe._ ”

Jeno finished the song and took a deep breath, leaning back against the couch with a dazed look in his face. Chenle rolled back, just because he couldn’t help his curiosity.

“What do you think?”, he asked, vulnerable like never before.

All his songs were personal. Yes. But this one was just too intimate. It was all him _._ He had signed his name over the whole page. Chenle had never gone that far before, and now that it was all out he couldn’t take it back. If Jeno hated it, if Jeno hated _him…_

“Chenle”, Jeno interrupted his thoughts, aware that Chenle was wearing himself thin, “I’m sorry.”

Chenle's eyes widened, readying himself to have his feelings hurt. But Jeno just got up from his seat to give him a hug. He let out a little “oh”, holding Jeno’s waist, heart almost beating out of his chest.

“What’s this for?”, he mumbled against Jeno’s shirt.

Jeno nuzzled into his hair.

“Because I love you, and I hate that you feel like this”, he said, “It’s a beautiful song, Lele.”

Chenle closed his eyes, hugging Jeno as tight as he could. Chenle didn’t have many, if any, friends anymore, but he was so glad he still had Jeno. 

“Thank you”, he whispered, “I love you too.”

Jeno pat his head, and they let go so Jeno could go back to sit on the couch. He held the notebook up for one last look over, while Chenle watched him. 

Now that they were there, now that it was out and Chenle couldn’t pretend anymore, he wanted to tell him. He wanted to talk about meeting his ex and his new partner, about Jisung still keeping his number and not getting in touch. 

Chenle wasn’t sure how Jeno would feel about that, but if something were to go wrong, and Chenle wouldn’t put it past himself, Jeno should know. It was only fair.

“Can we talk?”, he asked, fidgeting with his chair.

Jeno looked at him, putting the notebook down beside him on the couch.

“Of course.”

Chenle took a deep breath and picked at his fingernails, trying to organize his thoughts in a way Jeno would understand.

“I met Donghyuck”, he said, “He has someone else. Jaemin.”

The air got thick, as soon as the words got out he regretted it. Jeno looked completely taken aback. Chenle could see now this wasn’t going to go the way that he hoped for.

“You _met_ him? How? _When_?”

“The night that I spent here in the studio writing this song”, he gulped, searching his brain for a way to turn this around, “That’s when. As to how… he got my number from Jisung, is what he said.”

Jeno’s eyes widened.

“I- Jisung? She still has your number?”, there was something to his tone, an almost bitterness, that Chenle would miss if he wasn’t expecting it.

“Probably yours too, since it hasn’t changed.”

“Huh”, Jeno stopped for a second, staring at Chenle but not really seeing him, before shaking it off, “Okay. That’s not important right now. You met him?”

Chenle sighed, his plan to distract Jeno with that information falling apart. 

“Sure did”, he said, lowering his voice so it was almost a whisper, “It was… He looked really happy, with Jaemin. And Jaemin was really nice. Donghyuck wanted to know about the songs, he said it wouldn’t be good if I was still writing about him. Jaemin likes my lyrics. They bought me a popsicle.

It was quiet. Chenle knew he had been rambling, but he didn’t know what to do with the way Jeno was looking at him. Jeno wasn’t pitying him, Chenle told himself. But it felt like it.

“It was chocolate”, he offered when it seemed like Jeno wasn’t going to say anything.

“That’s your favorite”, Jeno said with a sigh, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Chenle felt small under his gaze.

“You’d say it’s a bad idea.”

“It is. But it already happened, so.”

More silence, almost on the verge of being uncomfortable. Chenle wanted to apologize, but he didn’t regret anything, and he never lied to Jeno.

“How did that make you feel?”, Jeno asked, like a silver lining, giving Chenle an out.

Not what he wanted or expected from this conversation, but he was taking what he could get. He let out a long breath.

It made him feel many things. Jealousy, and sadness, and envy. Then relief, filled with guilt. Chenle couldn’t even begin to understand it himself, much less try to explain.

“I don’t know. I just wanted to tell you”, he said, and just because he wanted things to feel normal again: “You should send Jisung a message. I know you still have her number.”

They had all been the best of friends when they were younger. When Chenle and Donghyuck broke up, they fell out. It was only natural to pick sides. Chenle did miss her. He knew Jeno missed her and Donghyuck too.

“If she wanted to talk, she’d send a message herself”, Jeno grumbled, all bark no bite.

Back then, he and Donghyuck betted how long it would take for Jeno and Jisung to start dating. Neither had won.

“She could say the same about you.” 

  
  
  
  
  
Chenle wished finishing that song would end his writer's block - unfortunately, it did not. Everyday for the next two weeks or so, he went down to the company and spent most of his day crammed up in the studio. He tried starting with a melody, a beat, an abstract idea, but he always ended up lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, feeling like a failure.

It was absolute hell. He could always tell NeoZone he wouldn't write for this album, given that he wasn't the only one working on songs for it, but since their debut, three mini albuns ago, Chenle had at least a song in each of them. He wasn't going to give up that easily.

He had thought about letting _L.I.E._ see the light of day. He shut down the idea as soon as he thought about it.

Chenle was going to find a way around it. He tried changing his writing patterns, visiting different places, looking up every advice that should fit him. It did nothing but make him doubt his own abilities. The page stayed blank, staring at him like it was mocking him. 

His mind went to Donghyuck, at almost every opportunity, but he closed it off immediately, remembering Jaemin. The way they looked at each other, the way their hands fit together, how they talked without needing words. He wasn't doing that anymore, he refused to. So no songs were made and nothing happened. 

Until.

Chenle looked down from where he had been staring at the ceiling, hoping for a miracle or something of the sort, as his phone rang repeatedly from the notifications he was receiving. He propped up on his elbow, his other hand going to get his phone from his jeans pocket. He unlocked it to see what was happening, when Ten's face lit up the screen. He took the call, frowning.

_"Chenle, where are you?"_

Ten seemed extremely agitated, walking down a busy street, not looking at the camera at all. A shiver ran down Chenle's spine. Something definitely wasn't right.

"The studio, why?", he sat up, "What's going on?"

 _"Okay, great"_ , Ten's shoulders sagged, and he finally turned to look at Chenle, _"I'm getting to you. Don't look at the news, and also call Jeno. Please don't do anything stupid before I'm there."_

Chenle's heart picked up, beating fast on his throat. 

"What do you mean?", he asked, already sick to his stomach.

Ten hesitated as he got inside a building that Chenle recognized instantly. He was already at the company, and it wouldn't be hard to wait for him to get where Chenle was. But Ten seemed to realize that if he didn't tell him now, Chenle would look it up and things would get much, much worse. Ten looked around, waiting until he was alone in the elevator before saying anything.

 _"There are pictures. Of you, and two others. Dispatch released it and it's all over the internet. They are affirming one of them is your ex-boyfriend. Donghyuck's name got out"_ , Ten sighed, and when he continued, his voice was barely a whisper, _"As did Jaemin's."_

Chenle was going to throw up. 

He lowered his head so he was totally out of the frame, staring wide eyed at the floor. He couldn't breathe. This wasn't happening. Not again. He couldn't breathe.

 _"Chenle, say something"_ , Ten begged, but Chenle couldn't. He couldn't even move, _"I'm here with you. I'm almost there."_

Chenle tuned him out, his eyes burning with unshed tears. He raised his free hand just to stare at how it was shaking. In hindsight, he should've expected this but Chenle couldn't think clearly. All he knew was that it was his fault. The words swimmed around in his head.

"Did they out them?", he forced out, watching his tears stain his jeans as they dripped from his chin, "Ten -"

 _"I'm almost there"_ , was all Ten said.

Chenle knew exactly what it meant. 

By the time Ten got to the studio, Chenle had come to terms with fate. He stopped crying, he stopped shaking, he just sat there against the wall, staring ahead, eyes unfocused. The only traces of what had happened were the wet in his cheeks from where he hadn't dried his tears.

Oh well. If Donghyuck and Jaemin didn't hate him before, they certainly did now.

"Lele?", Ten called from the door, seeming wary of entering Chenle's space.

Chenle turned to look at him, but it was obvious he wasn't really paying attention.

"I called Jeno. He's gonna be here soon", Ten said, slowly getting in the room and closing the door behind himself, "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

Chenle blinked, taking his time to process Ten's question, before shaking his head. He had no intention of opening his mouth until Jeno got there. Which would be proven difficult, Chenle noticed, as Ten's phone rang and he made a face when he read the message.

"Well. You might have to anyway", Ten sighed, pocketing his phone without answering, "Mr. Seo wants to talk to you."

  
  
  
  
  


The company was always a warm place, no matter how tired of being there Chenle got. Today, though, as he walked through the hallways, all he felt was cold. 

It was different than before. Chenle had managed to make everything worse, and now he didn’t even have Jeno to hold his hand. He should’ve known from the beginning, it was such a dumb idea. But even then, sitting in front of Mr. Seo and about to get scolded, he couldn’t regret it.

“We’re pushing the comeback back”, Mr. Seo said, with a sigh. He looked tired, and Chenle understood. Lately all he had been to everyone was trouble.

Chenle grinded his teeth to keep from complaining. He deserved it, but Jeno did not. The comeback wasn't even anytime soon, but he guessed it was best to push it back now than if it had been closer. And they had already announced it too…

"I'm sorry, sir."

Mr. Seo looked at Chenle like he felt bad for him. Chenle was sure he looked like a mess, but he hated being pitied, and the lump in his throat was the only thing stopping him from screaming. Mr. Seo certainly wouldn't appreciate it if he did.

"We think it would be better for you if you took a break", Mr Seo said, with a definite tone to his voice. Chenle's heart fell to the bottom of his stomach, "We'll deal with the rest."

"What-?", Chenle's voice broke.

That wasn't happening, he told himself. It wasn't.

Mr. Seo refused to look at him, turning to the papers on his desk. Chenle felt like he was as important as the ant stealing the crumbs from Mr. Seo’s half eaten sandwich.

"We'll keep in touch."

Chenle let out a long breath, before getting up and leaving the room.

Jeno was waiting for him by the door and opened his arms as soon as he saw Chenle's face. Chenle fell into his chest, letting himself be dragged away to Ten’s car. It wasn't until they were locked in there that Jeno started probing him for answers, but he refused to talk.

They were midway to the dorms when Ten’s phone rang and he picked it up through the car, and Chenle had to hear Mr. Seo’s voice reverberating through the small space, telling them everything that he didn’t have the courage to. He couldn’t look them in the face for the rest of the trip. 

Chenle went to their shared room as soon as he got home, shielding himself under the covers and trying to sleep. Pretending he couldn’t hear Ten and Jeno talk about him in the living room. At least they gave him privacy, to be alone with his thoughts and the cold, hot shame in his spine.

He kept his eyes closed against the lights he hadn’t bothered to turn off. Donghyuck’s voice echoed in his mind, the gentle tone turned harsh amidst the mess in his head. _That was all your fault, Chenle._ He opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling until there were spots in his vision.

He had to tell them he was sorry. Chenle got his phone from under his pillow, not allowing himself to think this through or he'd never do it. But apologizing didn't make him feel better. It only made him feel empty.

  
  
  
  


Chenle:

I'm so sorry.

Donghyuck read but didn't respond.

  
  
  
  
  


When he woke up, the lights were off, which definitely wasn't his doing, and Jeno was lying on top of him, over the blankets, seemingly asleep. His arm was cold from where it was around Chenle’s neck.

He sighed, eyes stinging, and he bit his tongue to keep from crying, because it had been enough. Chenle had to stop being a problem to everyone around him. 

It was scary getting to this conclusion, that if he felt drained by being himself, how must others feel being near him? Chenle had to learn how to deal with himself, by himself. How could he when Jeno and Ten were always taking care of him?

Chenle uncovered himself to wrap the blanket around Jeno, hugging his waist so it wouldn’t fall off.

“I’m sorry, hyung”, he whispered, closing his eyes to fall back asleep.

He barely felt when Jeno patted his shoulder, snuggling closer to him.

  
  
  
  
  


Jeno tried to move past it by pretending everything’s okay. Chenle let him for a while, not knowing what to do himself, the thick, raw awkwardness clouding their dorm and every single of their interactions. He hated being like that with Jeno of all people.

He went back to his boring routine, except this time he couldn’t find it in himself to go to the company anymore. So Chenle stayed home, trying to be productive. Manoeuvring around the elephant in the room. There wasn’t a lot else for him to do.

Chenle knew he couldn’t stay but he didn’t know how to bring it up. Afraid to look like he was running away. In the end, he should have more faith in Jeno, because he didn’t have to.

“You’re going home, right?”

Chenle looked down from the ceiling to Jeno kneeling beside his bed with questioning eyes. Jeno shrugged but he looked on edge, like he wasn’t sure this was Chenle’s best idea. It probably wasn’t.

“How’d you know?”

“Had a feeling you’d want to clear your head.”

He nodded.

“Ten said to tell him so he could warn management”, Jeno went on, “Also, he said Doyoung and Kun wanted to come with to the train station to send you off.”

Chenle raised an eyebrow, unsure how to go about that. It had been a while since they had met Ten’s partners, even if they also worked under NeoZone. They rarely had access to them when it wasn’t comeback period, since they worked with a lot of other artists. But the two of them had always been nice, treating him and Jeno like their own.

Maybe he should make an effort. It made his heart ache, and he wasn’t sure it was in a good way, that they cared enough to want to send him off when they barely saw each other.

“That sounds nice.”

  
  
  
  
  


For him, home was Busan, where his parents retired to, as far away as he could possibly be from everything. 

Chenle didn't tell his parents he was coming back, so no one would be there to fetch him. The thought didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would.

True to their words, Ten, Doyoung and Kun took him to the train station. The day had been cold, but even then it didn’t feel gloomy. Not with the adults telling them stories about their adolescence, all the shenanigans they got up to before even meeting each other. Ten used absolutely any excuse to tell him and Jeno embarrassing moments from when they started dating, and for those few minutes during the car ride, it was like nothing had ever happened.

It was like Chenle hadn’t fucked up as bad as he did.

So he basked in it, laughed as hard as he possibly could, told as many embarrassing stories of their training years as he remembered, and promised himself to treasure those memories. 

Chenle hugged them tight before embarking the train, and once he was seated, he refused to be alone with himself, so he did the best thing he could do and went to sleep.

He realized, when he got there, that for the first time in a while, he was utterly alone. And it felt better than he thought it would.

Chenle took his time, walking around the city, just him and his suitcase. Seeing all the places he used to visit when he was little. Taking his mind off everything else. Pretending he was just a normal boy on the way back home. He breathed in, letting the air cleanse him from the inside out. 

It was good to be back.

“Lele? Sweetheart, is that you?”, his mom said, in mandarin, as soon as she opened the door and saw him there.

Chenle didn’t think he’d miss her voice so much.

“Hi, mama”, he said, smiling softly to himself, as she got him in her arms, giving him one of those bear hugs she was known for. 

She didn’t ask him any questions. Not why he was back, not why he hadn’t told them. She just took him in and told him to put his things away, that it had been great that he had come home then, she was just making his favorite dish, and she yelled his dad that _“Lele is here!”_ while going to the kitchen to look over the pan she left on the stove. Always the restless type, doing everything at the same time without stopping to catch her breath. 

It was weird that he had been used to this once, but it felt familiar, like it wouldn’t take a lot for him to fall back in place again.

His dad, on the other hand, was the quieter one. But he still looked happy to see Chenle, and hugged him all the same, with a proud _“Welcome home, kiddo”._ Like Chenle had just been to the convenience store around the block, and not in another state for half a year.

He pushed it all out of his mind, let himself be coddled and fussed over, heard his dad’s stories of what he missed in their family, with his mom chipping in every once in a while to take over because his dad took the longest route to the point. Over dinner, his mom put him up to date on the neighbor’s gossip, and Chenle wasn’t at all surprised when his dad fact checked her. 

The one part of his heart that was always empty, ever since his parents moved back to Busan, had finally been filled. 

  
  
  
  
  


Of course, Chenle shouldn’t expect his mom to let him sit around on his ass for the entirety of his trip, wallowing in self-pity. At most, she gave him a day before starting to boss him around. _Take the trash out_ this, and _help your dad with the car_ that, and _put rice to cook_ , and Chenle barely had time to think about what he left behind. No matter how tiring it was, he was thankful. 

Even if she didn’t ask, she still knew what he needed. To be distracted until he felt he could begin to piece everything together.

He still talked to Jeno, almost nightly. Ten updated him on everything else sometimes. Sometimes he just sent a small _“how’s it going, kid?”_ and they talked about their days. Chenle was thankful for them too. 

Besides Ten’s updates, Chenle knew nothing. He was almost scared to search his name, to see what was being said. Scared of what else he’d find. He thought about it sometimes, in his sleepless nights. But then he pushed it as far as he possibly could. If there was something Chenle needed to know, Ten would’ve already told him.

  
  
  
  
  
Chenle was starting to think his mom was just telling him to do everything she didn’t want to do herself. He huffed, patting his pockets to make sure he had his wallet, skimming over the list she had given him, going through the market aisles, utterly lost. They had changed a lot of things around since Chenle had last been there.

He stopped, in the middle of a bunch of fruit stands, pretty sure that it used to have fish here. Oh well. He read over the list one more time, making sure his mom didn’t want anything before making his leave.

He was really gonna have to go aisle by aisle, wasn’t he?

Chenle sighed, taking a turn on the next corner and stopping dead on his tracks.

“Nana, you don’t need that many plants”, Donghyuck complained, watching as Jaemin weighed between two almost identical succulents.

Jaemin smiled, choosing whatever and paying for it, cooing over Donghyuck’s annoyed pout.

“Don’t be like that, sunshine”, they said, in a cute tone of voice.

Cold washed over Chenle as he heard the nickname _he_ had given Donghyuck fall from Jaemin’s lips. He didn’t know what to do, he felt stuck to the ground, and it took him too long to hastily turn around, and by then, Jaemin and Donghyuck had already noticed him.

The silence was heavy and Chenle could hear his heartbeat, pretending to look over fruit prices and giving the two of them an out, hoping that they’d take it. He felt he was being watched, and heard them turning in the other direction, before they both stopped.

Jaemin whispered something to Donghyuck, but Chenle couldn’t understand it between the white noise and his own heart. Then, they started walking towards him.

Chenle cursed under his breath, aware that he could just make a run for it. He mulled over his options, before deciding that it would feel even more pathetic than standing around staring at nothing. He turned to look at them when they stopped beside him.

“Hi, Chenle. Nice seeing you”, Jaemin said, smiling at him. It was small and didn’t reach their eyes.

Donghyuck looked like he’d rather die than acknowledge Chenle’s existence. He let out a small breath, psyching himself up.

“Nice to see you too”, he smiled back, hoping he didn’t look as awkward as he felt.

Jaemin turned to Donghyuck, raising their hand to hold his arm in an attempt to mask when they pinched it. Chenle winced, watching Donghyuck's grimace. He looked at Jaemin pointedly before nodding at Chenle. 

Jaemin smiled at him, pulling Donghyuck by the grip in his arm so they could finally leave and free Chenle of this misery.

A nice greeting between old friends, he told himself, making a face after they passed him by.

His shoulders sagged and he closed his eyes, rubbing his knuckles against his temples. It was just Chenle’s luck, of course, that trouble would follow him wherever he went. It was his chance to right his wrongs, he knew. To get closure and try to leave this behind. He didn’t want to, but he didn’t think he’d ever be able to forgive himself if he let this opportunity fly by.

Chenle sighed, opening his eyes to the fruit stand that he was sure had been a fish stand before. He turned around, seeing Donghyuck and Jaemin a few feet away, talking quietly between themselves. He jogged to catch up to them.

“Wait!”, he called out.

Donghyuck and Jaemin turned around, taken aback by his yell, while he himself was surprised they even decided to give him the time of the day.

He stopped before them, trying to catch his breath while they stared at him. Now that he was here he didn’t really know how to go about it. _I’m sorry I got you outed?_ What would that do for any of them? He gulped, trying to calm his heart. His hands were sweating.

“I…”, Chenle tried, finally feeling everything that he had been ignoring catching up to him. The guilt, the shame. The fact that he was, even then, making people’s lives difficult, “I-I’m sorry. I _really_ am. You guys don’t... have to forgive me at all. I know that I’ve been nothing but trouble every time.”

He tried to blink away the sting in his eyes, but it did nothing for him. He could feel his hands shaking so he stuffed them in his jackets pockets, not even realizing he was crumbling up his mom’s list. Chenle refused to look at their faces, but it wasn’t like he would be able to distinguish them between his tears anyway.

“If anything happens -”, he tried speaking, but it was getting hard to breathe, “You can tell me and I’ll definitely - I’ll tell the company, and -”

The lack of response really wasn’t helping. Chenle took in a deep breath, the few tears in his eyes streaming down his face and he hoped they hadn’t noticed. He could finally see their faces now that the tears were gone, even though his eyes still burned.

He had expected a lot, mostly embarrassment and disgust at his incompetence to get his shit together. That was not at all what he found.

They looked worried. Donghyuck’s brows were furrowed, while Jaemin was biting their lip, both staring at him like they wanted to reach out and calm him down. Chenle hated to admit that it broke him, and he turned to stare at the ground, breathing harbored and fighting the need to squat down in the middle of the market.

Donghyuck and Jaemin rushed to him, each holding on to one of his arms, pulling on it to make Chenle walk. Jaemin’s hand fell inside his pocket to force Chenle’s open so he would stop digging his short nails into his palm, before holding it to ensure he wouldn’t do it again. Donghyuck pulled him to his shoulder, despite being the shortest, to shield him from any onlookers while they guided him away.

  
  
  
  
  


They took him to their car, parked on the sidewalk near the market. Donghyuck sat beside him in the back seat, while Jaemin got in the driver's seat, turning so they could see them.

Chenle hyperventilated, taking his hands off his pockets to shake them for no reason at all, other than because it felt like he had to.

“Chenle”, Donghyuck said, cupping his face to make Chenle look at him, “Chenle, pay attention to my voice.”

He tried, but it was hard when he was also trying to breathe. Jaemin held out their hand to take Chenle’s hair off his forehead, and just that already made him feel much better. Donghyuck let go of his face to pull him into his arms. It was an uncomfortable position for a hug, so Chenle’s head ended up in his chest, listening to how fast Donghyuck’s heart was beating.

“It’s okay, Lele. You’re okay. We forgive you”, Donghyuck whispered against his hair, caressing his back, “Breathe with me.”

Chenle held on to his waist, closing his eyes and letting Donghyuck’s voice lull him back. It brought him many memories. This wasn’t the first time that happened, Chenle doubted it would be the last.

“Is he okay?”, Jaemin asked, voice low to not disturb the calm that involved them.

Donghyuck cleared his throat, shifting slightly to get in a more comfortable position, “Should be over now.”

It was, but Chenle didn’t know how he was supposed to even look in their faces after that. After making a scene and holding on to Donghyuck for dear life. Was it worse if he just fell asleep like this? He wanted to, to run away from everything.

Instead, he let out a shaky breath, told himself at least Donghyuck had seen him in worse scenarios, and got up. 

Chenle still refused to look at them, as he put as much space between him and Donghyuck as possible. He hid his face in his hands, taking a moment to himself, after everything. He felt so tired. He didn’t want to know how this looked like for Jaemin.

“I’m sorry”, he said, once again.

It seemed like all he did lately was apologize.

One of them held his wrists, bringing his hands down so they could look at him. It was only after he lowered them that he realized it was Jaemin.

“It wasn’t your fault, Chenle”, they brushed their thumb over the inside of Chenle’s wrist, absentmindedly, “None of it was. I don’t blame you, but if it makes you feel better, I forgive you.”

Chenle looked at Jaemin, lips slightly parted in surprise. His heart was trumming in his chest, and he felt hyper aware of their hand in his skin. It burned. He swallowed, but his mouth was completely dry.

He didn’t know what was going on, but it felt wrong.

Donghyuck sighed, the both of them turning to look at him. Whatever Donghyuck had to say scared Chenle more than anything.

“I wanted to hate you so bad”, he said, looking into Chenle’s eyes, “No matter what happens I can’t do it”, Donghyuck sounded bitter and tired, resigned that this was never going to change, “If there's someone to blame, it isn’t just you. I’m sorry too.”

Chenle held his breath, unsure if he had heard right. Donghyuck looked like he meant every word, and it pained him to say it. Chenle never expected this turn of events.

“What?”, he choked out.

“I’m sorry, Chenle. For everything”, Donghyuck repeated, sincerely, “I should have told you that from the beginning. I should have been better for you.”

For all that had happened between them, Chenle never thought about how much he needed to hear those words. He never acknowledged the fact Donghyuck had hurt him too because Chenle had already forgiven him so long ago. 

He nodded, unsure there was anything else he could say or do.

“Well, then”, Jaemin saved him once again, squeezing his wrist and turning around to the wheel, “Let’s go home. It’s been enough for today.”

  
  
  
  
  


For the next few days Chenle stayed home, helping his parents with what they needed, and when they didn’t need anything, he locked himself inside his room, trying to compose. Chenle distracted himself like this - pretty sure whatever had happened at the market had been a joke. It couldn’t have been real. He refused to believe he had embarrassed himself like that. 

So Chenle wiped the whole thing off his mind and focused on his song.

He still couldn’t write but he had a funny melody in his head, that didn’t seem to want to go anywhere yet. It got to the point his parents got tired of listening to the same few notes all the time and decided that he needed to get out of the house. Chenle had little say when his mom thrusted a bag with beach clothes and food in his hands and told him to get lost, shooing him out the door. 

Chenle sighed, making sure he had his bus pass, wallet and phone, walking towards the nearest bus stop. It had been a while since he had been to the beach so he supposed it wasn’t all bad that he was thrown out like this. 

But now that he had nothing to pay attention to, it made his mind a little too free to think about what he shouldn’t be thinking. He closed his eyes, wrist burning where Jaemin had held it. Cheeks heating up where Donghyuck had cupped his face. Chenle opened his eyes and pushed it all out of his head. It was always a bad idea to entertain his mind.

The one beach he was going to took a little bit of walking to find. Being a curious teenager sure paid off, when you had friends to explore with. Chenle remembered walking around with Donghyuck, Jeno and Jisung, wanting somewhere quiet where no one would find them, somewhere that could be just theirs. In one of Busan’s many beaches, tucked away in a corner for no one else to find, there it was.

And there they were.

Chenle should’ve expected it but apparently he still hadn’t learned. Of course that would be somewhere Donghyuck would show Jaemin. 

They were both splashing on the water, running after each other, their clothes a neat pile on top of a picnic blanket alongside their bags. They looked happy, wide smiles and loud laughter. Chenle should turn around now. Stop intruding. There were many other beaches to go to, even if this was the one he belonged in.

“Chenle?”, Jaemin called, stopping midway and being splashed on the face by Donghyuck, “Ow!”

“Sorry, angel”, Donghyuck laughed, kissing their cheek in apology despite Jaemin’s upset pout before turning to look at Chenle, “Hey.”

Chenle sighed, holding the strap on his bag with enough force for his knuckles to turn white. He could do this, he told himself. They didn’t look uncomfortable or mad, but it was hard to get to terms with after everything.

“Hi”, he said, pointing behind himself, “Sorry, I didn’t know you guys were here, I’ll just leave.”

Chenle made to turn around, Donghyuck and Jaemin looking at each other before looking back at him.

“It’s okay”, Donghyuck said, swiping his wet hair out of his face. Chenle couldn’t help but stare, swallowing against the lump in his throat, “You can stay, this is our place after all.”

His breath hitched. He looked at Jaemin, but they didn’t seem bothered at all, smiling at him. Chenle just nodded, unsure of what to say and how to act when they were being like this.

He put his bag down against a rock, hearing Donghyuck and Jaemin go back to splashing each other. Looking through what his mom packed, most of which he wouldn’t say were particularly useful, he got out his swimming clothes, turning to make sure Donghyuck and Jaemin were distracted before he changed.

Not that he was embarrassed, but he didn’t really like the idea of stripping in front of people. He didn’t even stop to organize his clothes before putting on his shorts. 

Chenle looked down to his chest, raising his hands to cover his scars. Over five years and he still felt weird about being shirtless. Maybe it was the fact he was told most of his life it wasn't proper.

He put on his shirt as fast as he could.

Chenle took out his own blanket, discreetly watching Donghyuck and Jaemin run around while he fixed his things. They were having fun trying to catch each other, being loud and free. Chenle sighed and stopped looking, heart aching for something he could never have.

  
  
  
  
  


“I heard about the hiatus”, Donghyuck said, sitting beside him at the lake’s edge, only his feet in the water, “That really sucks.”

Chenle sighed, lightly kicking his feet around. It did suck. He still felt so guilty, knowing Jeno had nothing to do with this and yet had also taken the blame. It wasn’t something he wanted to talk about, though. Not with Donghyuck, at least.

“Didn’t think I’d meet you guys here”, he said instead, watching Jaemin swim around, “Don’t you guys have classes?”

He wasn’t trying to be condescending, just genuinely curious. Donghyuck nodded, scoffing like he understood what Chenle was doing.

“Well, semester’s over, so I brought Nana to meet my mom.”

Chenle smiled, remembering when he himself met Donghyuck’s mom. She was the coolest out of all their parents, or at least it was what their young minds seemed to think. There was a reason they always met up at Donghyuck’s place.

“How’s auntie Jeongyeon?”, he asked, turning to look at Donghyuck.

Donghyuck shook his head, amusedly, “Nuts as ever. She already adopted them, of course.”

“As expected of auntie”, Chenle beamed at him.

It was nice talking to Donghyuck like this. Weird, not feeling like a ticking time bomb ready to explode. He was making an effort, Chenle could see, to try and leave this all behind. Chenle was thankful, though he wasn’t sure he could do the same. Letting go of guilt was always a little bit harder. 

As was being honest with himself.

Jaemin emerged right in front of them, shaking their head and splashing them with water from their hair. Chenle smiled as Donghyuck cursed them, using his hands as a cup to throw water in Jaemin’s face.

“You’re a meanie”, Jaemin complained, slotting themselves between Donghyuck’s legs to hold his waist and wet his binder.

“You’re the meanie, you ass”, Donghyuck laughed, pushing their head away, but Jaemin was stuck like glue, “I was already dry!”

Jaemin snickered, holding on until Donghyuck stopped trying and just let them hug him. Chenle turned to look at the water, going back to lightly kicking his feet, feeling like he shouldn’t be watching them. It wasn’t for him to see.

  
  
  
  
  


And that was just the beginning. 

Maybe it was in Chenle’s fate to keep meeting Donghyuck and Jaemin like this. Whenever he left home, or his mom threw him out to _“go and have fun like a normal boy your age!”_ , somehow he always ended up meeting them in the middle. Like a cruel joke.

They were always nice. Always smiled at him like they were happy to see him. Offered to let him join. Chenle didn’t want to interrupt their dates, much less be pitied, but it didn’t feel like that when it was them. Chenle didn’t have the heart to say no, and he supposed if they didn’t want him to say yes they wouldn’t offer each and every time.

The first few times were awkward. He could barely look at them when they hugged or kissed. Felt his heart heavy at the sight of their hands locked together. He knew he was torturing himself but he couldn’t help it. Maybe it was what he deserved.

At one point, it started being intentional. Somehow he got Jaemin’s number, as Jaemin had his. They would call him during the afternoon, _“Hyuck’s taking me to Haedong Yonggung temple, wanna come with?”_ , _“Up to going to Haeundae? Nana wanted to see the sunset”,_ and around there somewhere, either when they started calling him Lele or when they stayed up all night on the phone, his tentative yeses became more confident.

Chenle wanted to meet them, the both of them, as much as they wanted him there. Yet he refused to think about why.

“Is this the place?”, he asked, looking around the street.

Donghyuck hummed, looking through his phone with the hand that wasn’t holding Jaemin’s. The sight didn’t make him sick to his stomach anymore, but his heart still beat fast in his throat when he saw it.

“According to Jji, yes.”

Jaemin put their chin on Donghyuck's shoulder to look at his phone. They’ve been standing in the middle of the sidewalk for around ten minutes, looking for said karaoke, but it was very well hidden.

“Has Jisung ever actually been here?”, he asked again, not really trusting his old friend.

Chenle was well aware they had brought Jisung to their home quite a few times, but they weren’t the ones to show her this place, so forgive his skepticism.

Donghyuck sighed, “According to Jji, yes.”

Jaemin just shrugged at him, apparently as confused as Chenle. He left them to look at the buildings around the street, until he found a peculiar little alley and a dirty old sign with a few missing letters.

“Hey, I think I got it”, he said, turning around to catch their eyes.

Donghyuck had stopped paying attention to his phone to look at Jaemin, and they were both just staring at each other, soft smiles in their faces. Chenle gulped, cheeks heating up when they looked at him with the same soft smiles.

They walked up to him.

“Huh”, Jaemin cocked their head, “Interesting place.”

It looked better on the inside then it did from the outside. It was bigger, too. And fuller than expected. They booked one of the remaining rooms, ordering food and beverages as they were probably going to spend a few too many hours there. 

Chenle wasn’t sure he was ready for that.

  
  
  
  
  


_“You make me feel special”,_ Donghyuck and Jaemin screamed into the microphone, having more fun making different voices than trying to get a good score.

Chenle laughed, supposing it was only fair as they were a little bit too drunk to care, watching them try to dance like TWICE sunbaenim in the MV. The song played but was not sung, until Jaemin thrusted a mic into his hands, giving away their score to continue dancing. 

Well, if they insisted.

_“I feel loved. I feel so special.”_

As soon as the song ended, Donghyuck threw himself over Chenle on the couch, Jaemin sitting beside their mess of limbs. Chenle groaned, pushing Donghyuck slightly so he wasn’t pressing the mic against his stomach, pretending that he wasn’t nervous about the sudden proximity.

Jaemin scrolled through their song options, until they found something that made them gasp.

“Lele, isn’t that your song?”, they turned to look at him.

Chenle propped himself up to look at the screen, face going pale as he made out the words. God, he would’ve taken any song over this one.

“Yeah…”, he whispered, ignoring the way Donghyuck stared at him like he was trying to read him.

Jaemin smiled, seemingly unaware or too drunk to care.

“Then you’ve got to sing it, come on!”, they urged him to get up, “Give us a concert!”

Chenle sighed, getting up against his better judgement. How would he even get himself out of this one? That was the one song, the one song he wrote when he thought he could still fix everything between him and Donghyuck. When he thought they still had a chance. He never showed Donghyuck this song.

Better late than never, he supposed.

His hands were shaking as he pushed in his song’s number, the bright _PARADISE - Trust Me_ almost mocking him. Chenle turned to look at Donghyuck and Jaemin, who were looking at him expectantly. If they wanted a concert, then.

 _“We were in love”_ , Chenle sang, watching as realization dawned in their faces, _“I can’t let you go.”_

The heavy air was sure to sober them up pretty quickly, Chenle thought, closing his eyes as it was hard to look at their faces. 

He just hoped that after everything, they were bigger than this. 

_“There’s still a wall between us”_ , he went on, voice trembling, _“Cross it, we can cross it.”_

Out of all the ways Chenle exposed himself to them, he didn’t expect it to be like this. And it scared him that it would just take them back to the beginning.

 _“Stepping aside from countless complicated thoughts, I’m speaking to you._ ”

Chenle could barely get his voice to come out, sure he looked pathetic. But for all they asked and probed sneakily on his feelings, there was the answer they were looking for. Chenle was bad at moving on. 

_“Just let me know what you want from me.”_

He was bad at moving on, and was bad at staying out of people’s business. He was bad at lying to himself, was bad at being honest too. 

Chenle couldn’t believe this was how he was going to lose them.

 _“I don’t expect you to give me your everything”_ , his voice was barely a whisper, _“I just want the time you have left.”_

He opened his eyes, unsure of what to expect, sure he didn’t want to face this right now. They were all drunk. He could blame it all in their fuzzy memories and pretend this meant less than it actually did.

 _“Slow, fast, sometimes burning hot. Everything will be for you”_ , he choked out, _“You, you, you. Just trust in me, yeah.”_

The song was over and then it was only silence. Donghyuck’s eyes were wide open, lips slightly parted in surprise and realization. Chenle didn’t know of what, was afraid to find out. Jaemin was far better put together, but their eyes darted around the room like they weren’t sure on where to focus, and it definitely wasn’t going to be on Chenle.

“You wrote that for me, didn’t you?”, Donghyuck asked, but he sounded far away in his own head.

No point in hiding now.

“To be fair, this song’s around two years old now”, he said, going to put away the remote and mics despite his shaking hands. It didn’t look like anyone was going to sing anymore.

Jaemin sighed, and when Chenle turned around, they were focused on him.

“It’s a beautiful song, Lele.”

There was something in their eyes Chenle couldn’t decipher. He didn’t think he wanted to.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle got home around two in the morning, stumbling around until he got to his room. He felt absolutely disgusting but he had no strength to shower so he went straight to bed. Stared at the ceiling. Realized things had changed, somehow, and he wasn’t ready for it.

He only checked his phone then - he had a few messages from Jeno and Ten. He answered them just as he was about to go to sleep, telling them all about his day the best he could while his mind was hazy from alcohol and sleep. Telling them everything but a few details he wanted to keep.

Or at least that was what he thought, until he woke up the next day to 13 missed calls - all from Jeno - and even more messages, all asking him the same thing.

Never to trust his drunk self with a secret, is what he learned then. 

And contrary to popular belief, Donghyuck and Jaemin only took two days to contact him again. Just long enough to get rid of a killer hangover and convince themselves that Chenle was completely normal and not at all pining, was what he told himself. 

It was what he wanted to believe.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle woke up to his phone ringing loudly under his pillow. He wasn’t sure what time it was, wasn’t sure he wanted to know, as he picked it up, letting his phone rest against his ear. 

“Hello?”, he mumbled, hoping that whoever it was understood him.

 _“Good morning, Lele”_ , Jaemin said, way too excited for Chenle’s mood, _“Sorry, did we wake you up? We’re getting breakfast so we thought you might want to join.”_

Chenle could hear Donghyuck’s voice in the background, a quiet _“I told you he’d be sleeping_ ” that felt so domestic it made his heart ache. It was too early for this, he told himself, closing his eyes and sighing. Jaemin and Donghyuck bickered for a while. Not at all awkward, even after everything. He smiled softly, waiting until Jaemin took notice that he hadn’t answered them yet.

 _“Lele? We can bring you something if you want, instead”_ , Jaemin’s voice got quieter, lighter. Chenle pretended he didn’t notice.

“That’d be nice.”

He could almost picture them, sitting at a table in their favorite cafe. Jaemin’s small smile, Donghyuck’s waiting eyes. Their hands clasped together on top of the table, the way they fit perfectly, not a single missing piece.

 _“Okay, then. Go back to sleep, yeah? We’ll be there soon”_ , Jaemin said, their voice lulling Chenle until it got hard to focus, _“Sleep tight, baby.”_

His eyes snapped open. Chenle’s breath hitched, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anymore.

“What-?”, he choked out, but there was only silence.

He turned around to stare at the ceiling, heart beating fast in his throat. Surely Jaemin didn’t mean anything by that but Chenle couldn’t stop replaying the words in his mind. He raised his hands to press his knuckles against his temples, telling himself to keep it together. 

Easier said than done.

  
  
  
  
  


“I brought you the usual”, Jaemin said with a soft smile, holding out a bag with Chenle’s breakfast.

He smiled back, taking the food out and putting it on top of his bed. Jaemin put their beverages in Chenle’s nightstand and sat down in front of him. It was a little awkward being alone with them. It had happened before, of course, but never for long enough. Something told him Donghyuck wouldn’t be appearing to save him this time.

Chenle focused on opening the food’s packages, trying to will his hands to not start shaking. It wasn’t like he didn’t like Jaemin. Quite the contrary, actually, and that was exactly the problem. When Donghyuck was there, it was a reminder that he would never fit, even if he tried. But now it was just the two of them and there was nothing stopping Chenle from letting his mind wander. 

“Are you okay?”, Jaemin asked, worried, “You’ve been holding it for a while.”

Chenle shook his head, noticing he had been just staring at the package.

“Sorry, I think I’m still sleeping”, he said, finally opening it and putting it back on the bed. 

Jaemin smiled, deciding to help Chenle with the rest. They made quick work of it and soon they were eating in comfortable silence. At any other time, Chenle would be thankful they were the quieter ones, but now he couldn’t help but miss Donghyuck and his rambling. It would have given him an excuse to not think. 

“Why didn’t Donghyuck come?”, Chenle asked in a low voice, not looking up from his food.

“Hm? Ah, auntie needed him for something”, Jaemin waved it off, like it wasn’t important, “He dropped me off then left.”

Chenle nodded, taking a sip of his coffee to try and clear his head. There was so much he wanted to ask but was afraid of doing so, afraid of knowing the answer. Jaemin was acting like nothing had happened and nothing had changed, but why did he feel like it had? 

“Can I ask you something?”, he looked up, staring at Jaemin’s eyes. Being honest, there wasn’t a lot more to lose.

Jaemin’s eyes widened as they nodded.

“You called me baby”, his voice was barely a whisper. 

It wasn’t a question but Jaemin took it like one.

“I did”, they said, and Chenle searched to find something but he wasn’t entirely sure what.

The only thing he could hear besides Jaemin’s voice was his own heartbeat. He wanted to ask what it meant, wanted to know what they felt, but the words wouldn’t come out.

“Doesn’t Donghyuck mind?”, he asked instead.

Jaemin didn’t hesitate.

“He doesn’t.”

Chenle nodded, chewing on his lip to keep from going too far, crossing a line he wasn’t supposed to. He went back to his food, refusing to look at Jaemin and see the way they were looking at him.

  
  
  
  
  


“Wanna play 21 questions?”, Jaemin said, half an hour later, after they were done eating.

They had thrown the food packages away, lying down and staring at the ceiling, each to one side of the bed. Chenle blinked, caught by surprise. It didn’t sound like a good idea. He took his time to consider. He already knew what he was going to say but he didn’t want to feel like he hadn’t tried to change his own mind.

“Reserving the right to not answer”, he compromised.

Jaemin hummed, “Sounds fair. You start?”

Chenle sighed, eyes darting around the ceiling, trying to come up with something that wasn’t too personal.

“You go to college, right? What do you major in?”

“Might not look like it but I’m a gastronomy major”, Jaemin smiled softly, closing their eyes, “Third year, same as Hyuckles. And you, do you study?” 

“No, I stopped after high school, I didn’t have time…”, he shrugged, despite the fact Jaemin couldn’t see him, “Yeah. So, how did you meet Hyuck?”

Chenle had been curious about that for a while. They had talked about a lot of things, told each other a lot of things, but he never had the courage to ask that before. Maybe it was because he couldn’t see Jaemin’s face and tell what they were thinking, maybe it was the false sense of security of sharing stories. He didn’t know.

“It was at a LGBT+ club at uni. We volunteered at the same time”, Jaemin sounded fond, reminiscing, “He kept to himself but he was so good with the kids. I had a crush on him for like, two months? I don’t know, he looked sad and I wasn’t sure… If I should. But then he was the one to ask me out.”

Chenle sighed, not wanting to think about what that implied.

“Did you ever date anyone else?”, Jaemin went on, with a small voice. 

He blinked repeatedly as he made sense of what they were asking of him.

“No”, his heart felt like beating out of his chest, “It didn’t feel right.”

Of course it hadn’t, when his dumbass heart refused to move on. When his dumbass heart decided to attach itself to the wrong person. He stared at the ceiling, trying to not feel bad for himself.

“Lele?”, Jaemin called, tentatively, “You’re gonna ask anything?”

Oh. Right.

“Yeah, sorry. Hm”, he shook his head, trying to focus, letting his subconscious ask what he really wanted to know, “Do you... really not mind me or... are you doing this because you feel like you have to?”

It was quiet for half a second before Jaemin spoke.

“Chenle”, they said, firmly, “I promise you. I like having you around. _We_ like having you around.”

Chenle relaxed against the bed. He hadn’t even noticed that he had tensed up. His heart felt lighter, even if he felt it beating in his throat.

“Have you…”, Jaemin cleared their throat, shifting beside him, “Thought about dating again?”

“I… Yeah, I guess I have…”, he whispered, feeling Jaemin’s hand on top of his, “Nana…”

Jaemin laced their fingers, “Yeah?”

He let out a long, shaky breath.

“You…”

A phone started ringing, startling the both of them so they let go of each other’s hands, sitting up in the bed. Chenle gulped, suddenly face to face with Jaemin. He realized he could count Jaemin’s lashes, closing his hands in fists and digging his short nails into his palm to stop himself from doing something he would regret. 

Jaemin blinked before getting up in a hurry, going to get their bag.

Chenle hung his head low, closing his eyes and pressing his knuckles against his temple. He could hear static and his heartbeat, letting himself be swallowed by it, until Jaemin sat beside him, smiling like nothing had happened.

“Hi, sunshine!”, they said, beaming at their phone.

_“Hi, angel. Hi, Lele.”_

Chenle raised his head, seeing Donghyuck in Jaemin’s phone screen, all soft and snuggly in his own bed, hair all over the place. 

“Hi, Hyuck”, he whispered, picking at his nails.

Donghyuck smiled, hiding half of his face in a pillow, _“Missed you guys.”_

“You baby”, Jaemin cooed, “We miss you too.”

He was included in their talk, but Chenle still couldn’t help feeling like he wasn’t supposed to be there, witnessing it. Specially after what had happened, it all felt wrong, from the way they were speaking to the way they were looking at him.

 _“Hng. Wish I was there…”_ , Donghyuck whined, _“I’m tired, I want cuddles…”_

That was a side to Donghyuck he hadn’t seen in a long time, a side to Donghyuck he thought he would never see again. He tuned them out, only watching as Jaemin smiled softly and said something to Donghyuck. As Donghyuck pouted and complained about something he couldn’t understand.

  
  
  
  
  


It was only after Jaemin left that he allowed himself to make sense of it all. To face what there was no more hiding from. 

Chenle had tried. He thought that if he ignored it, if he pretended he couldn’t see it, then it wouldn’t be real. Then his heart wouldn’t yearn for something he shouldn’t want. Chenle hated it. It made his blood boil, that after all this time, he still wasn’t over it. He was still in love with Donghyuck. But now, he got himself into another mess. 

Chenle was still in love with Donghyuck. Might as well be in love with Jaemin too.

Did they know? Was the way they acted around him reciprocity or was he looking too deep? He had been intruding on their dates, neither had been shy about hugging him or holding his hand. Jaemin had called him baby and Donghyuck didn’t mind. What was he supposed to make of that? After everything?

It scared him. What if they did know? What if they felt the same? The three of them, they had come a long way. Chenle didn’t want to lose Donghyuck again. He didn’t want to lose Jaemin, either. But there was a reason they didn’t work before. 

He was getting ahead of himself. If they were just playing him, then what? Chenle didn’t want to consider the possibility. It wasn’t like he was going to do anything about it, anyway. No matter what he knew or what he felt, Chenle was going to take his feelings to the grave. Donghyuck and Jaemin were going to be just fine without him.

  
  


  


Instead of taking his feelings to the grave, Chenle wrote them into a song.

He shouldn’t, not anymore, and he felt the guilt clawing at his heart at every word he wrote, but it was the only way to organize his thoughts. To make his mind less clouded. 

Chenle had promised himself, and he had promised Jeno, but he couldn’t keep it. He told himself it was only one more song. One more and he would be done. It didn’t convince him, but maybe it would if he repeated it enough.

Against his better judgement, he sent the song to Jeno. After all, he was already aware of everything anyway so there was no need to hide. Jeno facetimed him as soon as he got it, worried face on his screen enough to make Chenle regret it. He never lied to Jeno. Never hid from him, either.

But Jeno didn’t say anything, he simply started reading the song out loud.

 _“I’m worried I might lose you, so hold out your hand, even though I know we can’t reach”_ , he glanced at Chenle through the camera before going back to it.

 _“Because I’m afraid we’ll reach a place we can’t turn back from_ ”, Jeno went on, brows furrowed, _“Because I’m afraid we’ll end up full of regrets.”_

Chenle gulped, looking off to his wall, trying not to pay attention to what Jeno was doing, what he looked like. Didn’t want to see him disappointed, didn’t even want to find out if he was going to be or not.

_“I’ll end up walking a different path. I probably shouldn’t hold on to you.”_

His heart broke and he sighed, hanging his head low, ashamed of his feelings now that they were being thrown in his face.

 _“Under my heart that is tightly shut is the fragrance of you, blooming like a flower”_ , Jeno stopped reading, sighing as he looked at Chenle, _“Lele, what is going on?_ ”

Chenle nervously picked on his nails. He hadn’t told Jeno much, when he mistakenly sent that message, just what he could get away with. But now there was no running away anymore.

He told him everything. From his anxiety attack, to Jaemin calling him baby. To them playing 21 questions, to Donghyuck’s soft voice on the phone. Chenle told him all about trying to ignore his feelings, thinking that he was doing a good job until he got slapped in the face by his yearning. Jeno just listened to him, in silence until he was done.

 _“I know you don’t want to hear this”_ , Jeno said, voice gentle, _“I know you, you’re looking for reasons to stay away, and maybe that would be smart, but Chenle… You need to tell them how you feel. And you need to hear them tell you how they feel. Until that happens, I don’t think you’re going to get over it. I don’t think this will be your last song.”_

That was exactly what Chenle feared.

  
  
  
  
  


When he wasn’t home with his parents, he was with Donghyuck and Jaemin. They were still going out every opportunity they had, since Donghyuck wanted to show as much of Busan as he could to Jaemin before vacations were over. It wasn’t always nice, since it was the holidays season and everywhere was full of tourists, but they made do. 

If his parents thought it was weird he was going out with his ex and his ex’s new partner, they didn’t say anything. Compared to how he was when he came home, he was a lot more free and having a lot more fun. Chenle supposed his parents were probably glad he wasn’t stuck in his room.

He still talked to Jeno nightly, but they put it all past them and didn’t mention it. Instead, Jeno told him about the songs they were working on, the choreographies he was thinking about. Gossips about their staff, the new game they couldn’t wait to play. Chenle knew Jeno must’ve been lonely, living in their dorm all by himself. Chenle promised himself he would get Jeno a gift, and tried to get him to budge and message Jisung, but there wasn’t much progress. 

For all he talked, Jeno was as stubborn as Chenle.

It was a good couple of days. Chenle didn’t feel as much like he was intruding anymore. He didn’t feel out of place, like he should run and hide, like it would all be lost if they found out. That didn’t mean he was willing to tell, though. It just made it all the more scary, because it wasn’t like he had less to lose. It just meant it was far too easy to get used to how they made him feel.

He liked it and he shouldn’t. Life wasn’t all this. It bugged in the back of his mind that things would change and he shouldn’t get used to something he wasn’t going to be able to keep.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle sighed, throwing himself in his bed, staring up at the ceiling like it could give him all the answers he needed. 

He had just finished helping his parents clean the house and he felt absolutely dead, no strength to do much. His eyes felt heavy, but there was something he wanted to do, that he hoped would give him peace of mind.

He rolled around in bed to get his phone from his pocket, ending up face down on the mattress. Chenle just got himself comfortable, looking through his contacts for Ten. 

He hesitated to call, aware that it was late and Ten was probably with his partners. Chenle was also embarrassed of what Ten would know, of what he would find out.

Chenle clicked the button before he could think more about it. It took a while before Kun picked up.

 _“Hi, Lele!”_ , Kun said, looking like he was having trouble holding the phone and doing whatever he was doing, _“Sorry, Ten’s in the shower.”_

 _“It’s Chenle?”,_ he heard Doyoung say, before her face popped up behind Kun, _“Hi, kiddo!”_

Chenle smiled, but he felt his heart heavy in his chest, knowing that now he would never have the courage to talk about this again, “Hi.”

 _“Wait a second - Doie, look over this for me?_ ”, Kun turned to look at Doyoung, motioning to something off the screen. Doyoung nodded and Kun started fixing Ten’s phone on what Chenle supposed was a counter. It was only after Kun stepped back that Chenle noticed they were cooking, _“Done!”_

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the time”, he said, feeling bad about interrupting them, “I can call later-”

Doyoung waved him off with a laugh, _“Nonsense! It’s okay, Ten will be done soon and this isn’t even close to finished.”_

Kun smiled at her and Chenle forced a smile into his own face. Well, this was awkward. He had been alone with them before, of course, but never when his mood was like this. Chenle hated having to pretend to be happy when he was tired. 

“What are you making?”, he asked, just to be polite. It did look good, but he wasn’t really interested.

 _“Bulgogi”_ , Kun said, going back to cutting onions, which was what he had been trying to do before, _“Tonight is korean food night.”_

Chenle’s brows furrowed, “Korean food night?”

They both nodded.

 _“Yeah, every sunday we change it, from korean to chinese to thai”_ , Doyoung smiled, _“Since we can’t eat homemade food often, it’s just a little tradition of ours.”_

Chenle softened, his heart fluttering as he watched the two of them work. It was so domestic, so thoughtful and so simple. Any excuse was a good excuse to be together, he knew very well. He didn’t think he would crave for this type of love, but there he was, watching Ten’s partners cook and yearning for it.

 _“So, Chenle”_ , Kun said, looking at him through the camera, _“I’m sure you didn’t call just to hear our stories.”_

“Huh”, he gulped, shifting on his bed, “I, hm. Ten ge?”

 _“He’s coming out soon”_ , Kun smiled, nodding, _“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. Just know that we’re here if you need anything.”_

He nodded back, automatically, until he realized what it meant. That Kun and Doyoung knew, probably heard of it at the company. Chenle didn’t know why it didn’t occur to him before, maybe because he trusted that Ten wasn’t the one spilling his life even to his partners, which he still didn’t doubt. But for sure they had heard about it. 

Chenle stopped to consider Kun’s words. He appreciated that they cared, and while it was embarrassing, he couldn’t help thinking that maybe a fresh mind would do him good. There was only so much Jeno and Ten could do.

“Hypothetically”, he said, a few minutes later when he finally decided that it couldn’t get any worse, “How does - How does it work, dating more than one person I mean.”

Both Kun and Doyoung raised their heads, looking at him before looking at each other, like they were deciding who would answer his question.

 _“Well”_ , Doyoung said, _“Everyone is different. But it’s not as scary as it looks like, you can be friends with different people, right? Dating is just like friendship but with kisses.”_

Kun scoffed, amused.

_“Honestly, it’s just like any relationship. There’s just a lot of talking, communication is important, you know? People can’t read your mind. If you need to set boundaries then you should do so. Your relationship should make you happy, not sad.”_

It sounded nic Chenle wasn’t going to lie. Dating Donghyuck hadn’t ended well but it did make him happy, and he would never regret it. He wondered if it would be the same now. What dating Jaemin would be like. If dating was like friendship but with kisses… It sounded nice.

 _“Not every polyamorous relationship is the same, which is why you need to always talk to your partners about what is okay”_ , Kun went on, _“If anyone makes you feel uncomfortable on purpose then that person isn't right for you.”_

Chenle nodded.

“Then…”, he said, hiding his face on a nearby pillow, “What if… They’re already in a relationship?”

 _“If everyone’s on board there’s nothing wrong with it”_ Doyoung said, _“It might feel weird in the beginning, but it happens. As always, communication is the most important.”_

“And if you don’t know if they like you back?”, Chenle asked, voice low and filled with embarrassment. Doyoung and Kun both looked at him pointedly, like he should know that by now. He smiled sheepishly, “Communication. Got it.”

There was silence while they finished cooking, Chenle mulling over their words in his mind. He felt lighter, like most of the weight on his shoulders were gone. But there was still something he needed to know.

“What if...”, he started, unsure how to get it out. 

Doyoung hummed to show that she was listening while Kun looked at him. 

“What if one of them is your ex, and the other is your ex’s new partner?”, he whispered, watching as both of them stopped what they were doing to pay attention to him.

There was a beat of silence.

 _“You already know the answer to that._ ”

Yeah. He did. 

Chenle sighed, aware that he was just running away and that there was nothing else to do. They’d keep running around in circles after each other if things went on like this. He still wasn’t ready to be honest.

There was nothing else to say so he stayed quiet, watching Doyoung and Kun get the table ready. He stayed on call just enough to catch Ten and say hi to him before hanging up so they could go eat. He turned around in the bed, going back to his initial position, staring at the ceiling. There weren’t any answers waiting for him.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle rang the doorbell to Donghyuck’s place, bouncing on his feet. He was excited, nervous, it was weird. By now, he should be used to seeing their faces.

“Oh, hi”, Donghyuck smiled, motioning for Chenle to come in, “Good that you’re here, help me choose what to order.”

Chenle followed him to the couch, noticing the place was a lot tidier than it had been last time he was there. Movie nights were almost a tradition by now, from how often they met at each other’s houses just to hang out. 

“What were you thinking?”, he asked, sitting beside Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck turned to show him the delivery app on his phone, shifting closer to him. Chenle held his breath, Donghyuck’s tight pressed against his, despite all the free room in the couch. 

“I don’t know, I was thinking pizza but I’m not sure”, Donghyuck sighed, scrolling through the restaurants.

Chenle observed him for a while, his annoyed pout, furrowed brows, scrunched up nose. He smiled to himself, happy that he could see Donghyuck like this, that Donghyuck trusted him again. He leaned forward, suddenly feeling brave, to rest his chin against Donghyuck’s shoulder. 

“Pizza does sound nice”, he said softly, heart beating fast in his chest, waiting for Donghyuck’s reaction.

Donghyuck leaned against his chest, humming, “I guess.”

Chenle watched him order, going through the options until he found something they all liked. When he was done, Donghyuck locked his phone, lying it on his lap. 

“Where’s Nana?”, Chenle asked, picking at his nails, "Auntie Jeongyeon?"

“Mom went to a friend's house, Nana fell asleep playing solitaire. Gonna wake them up when food gets here”, Donghyuck yawned as he said it, making Chenle smile.

Jaemin wasn't the only tired one, apparently. He hummed thoughtfully, "You can nap too, if you wanna. I'll wake you when it arrives."

Donghyuck turned to look at him, getting up from where he was resting against him. Chenle almost tried to stop him, but instead, he let Donghyuck go, afraid he had said something he shouldn't.

"Well, I mean -", he got interrupted.

"You sure?", Donghyuck asked, shifting slightly to get more comfortable.

Chenle nodded, eyes wide, and Donghyuck smiled at him, putting his legs on Chenle's lap and resting his head on his shoulder. Chenle held his breath, unmoving.

"Do you mind?", Donghyuck whispered, sounding way too loud in the quiet room. Chenle shook his head, afraid of using his voice, and he felt Donghyuck smile against his arm, "You can watch TV if you get bored."

He looked at the TV remote on the center table, aware that he wasn't moving until Donghyuck woke up again.

"Thanks", he said in a low voice.

Donghyuck didn't answer him. Chenle looked around, trying not to think about what was going on. His hands were awkwardly hovering over Donghyuck's legs, as he was unsure of where to put them. He ended up hesitantly placing them on top of his stomach, afraid of touching Donghyuck more than he had to.

Chenle waited, eyes fixed on the turned off TV, until his heart slowed down, and Donghyuck was breathing so evenly he wouldn't notice. Then he placed his head on top of Donghyuck's, closing his eyes.

  
  
  
  
  


"Hyuckles, Lele, wake up", Jaemin said, in a singsong voice, "Pizza's here."

Chenle blinked awake, Donghyuck's weight on top of him grounding him. He suppressed a yawn, raising his head and looking around, seeing Jaemin sitting on the floor, fixing plates and cups for them on the center table, where their food was waiting.

"Oh, thank God you woke up", Donghyuck laughed softly, snuggling against his shoulder.

How embarrassing. Chenle's cheeks heated up as he scratched his neck.

"My bad, I didn't think I'd fall asleep", he mumbled, suddenly feeling stuffed in this room, with the way Donghyuck was holding his arm and Jaemin was smiling at them.

"It's okay, we all did", Jaemin waved him off, turning back to what they had been doing.

He nodded, willing his awkwardness to go away.

"What are we watching?", Donghyuck asked, voice laced with sleep, "I vote _Enchanted_."

Jaemin laughed, "You vote _Enchanted_ every time."

"It's a high quality movie", Donghyuck complained defensively.

"It's Lele's turn to choose, though."

Donghyuck whined, hiding his face in Chenle's arm. Chenle, that had been just watching them argue, amused, widened his eyes at suddenly being in the spotlight.

"I don't mind", he mumbled, embarrassed, "Hm, _Emperor's New Groove_?"

"Yes!", Jaemin yelled, animatedly looking through Netflix, while Donghyuck laughed at them.

Chenle and Donghyuck finally got up to sit on the floor beside Jaemin, so they could eat while watching the movie. The pizza didn't last even one third of it, soon they were all resting against the couch, paying too much attention to the movie to notice their position.

It was only when it was over that Chenle realized Donghyuck's head was back on his shoulder, while Jaemin was lying on his lap. Donghyuck was holding one of his hands, while the other played with Jaemin's hair.

He stilled, tightening his hold both on Donghyuck's hand and on Jaemin's hair. Jaemin whined and he immediately let go.

"Sorry", he whispered to the dark room.

Donghyuck snored lightly against his ear, and Jaemin hummed in forgiveness. They were also almost sleeping again. Chenle let out a long breath, calming his heart down to be able to think about what he should do.

Sleeping like this would definitely be uncomfortable, was what he decided. And he really should go home.

"Nana", he said, as softly as he could, petting Jaemin's hair out of their face "Let's get to bed."

Jaemin groaned, obviously too comfortable to want to get up.

"C'mon, angel, you're gonna be sore tomorrow", he went on, realizing way too late what he had just said, " _Fuck._ "

Jaemin slowly sat up, still whining, "Don't curse, I'm going."

"Sorry, it wasn't at you", he said, heart beating fast in his chest.

They sat next to him, rubbing their eyes, seeming totally unaware of what Chenle had called them. He took that as a win, slightly moving Donghyuck so he would lay his head against the couch and not his shoulder so Chenle could get up as well.

"Hyuck", Chenle softly shook him, not wanting to wake him fully, just enough to get him to bed, "C'mon, let's go to bed."

Donghyuck groaned, blinking awake, "What?"

"Come on."

Chenle took his hands, pulling him up. Donghyuck went, not really happy at being woken up. Chenle held his waist, keeping Donghyuck close so he wouldn't fall face first on the floor. Then, he turned to Jaemin.

"Do you need help?", he asked, but Jaemin just stared at him, without saying anything, "All right, I'll come back for you."

He helped Donghyuck to his room, despite the stumbling, making sure to get him in his pajamas and out of his binder before tucking him in. Donghyuck was already more awake by the time he was pulling the blankets over him, but he was still out of it, blinking slowly and trying to keep his eyes open.

"I really don't want to know what got you both so tired", Chenle said, more to himself than anything, having Donghyuck only look at him pointedly, "Fine, sorry. Sleep tight, sunshine. I'll get Nana."

Donghyuck opened his mouth to say something, but Chenle refused to acknowledge what he had called him, so he left as fast as he possibly could. Jaemin was still where he had left them, but more well put together, looking completely awake.

Chenle cleared his throat, making them turn to look at him.

"Do you need help?", he asked again.

Jaemin held out their hand, wiggling their fingers at him. Chenle scoffed amusedly, taking their hand and pulling them up.

"Thank you, baby", Jaemin said softly, beaming at him.

Chenle gulped, stuck in place as Jaemin laced their fingers together.

"I should go", he whispered, making no move to go anywhere.

Jaemin furrowed their brows, cocking their head and looking at him like they were trying to read him. They squeezed his hand. Chenle wasn't sure of what Jaemin had found in his eyes, was afraid to spell it out.

"Stay, it's late", they said, glancing at Donghyuck's rooms door before looking back at him, "I mean, only if you want, of course."

Chenle breathed in, heart beating fast in his throat, as he looked from Jaemin to Donghyuck's room, where he was waiting for them.

He stayed.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle didn't know why he still allowed himself to hope. After all, things had been going downhill for him since the beginning. But he thought, foolishly he thought, and he yearned, and he hoped.

Yet things still went wrong.

He was in the middle of cutting the vegetables for the ramen that his grandma taught him, listening to his mom’s singing while she prepared the meat, when his phone started ringing. Chenle startled, almost cutting himself, before he hurried to wash his hands and take the call. 

It was the company, so he excused himself and went to the privacy of his room. He was surprised when Ten’s voice greeted him.

 _“Hi, kiddo”_ , Ten said, but he sounded odd, _“I have news._ ”

Chenle nodded, despite the fact Ten couldn’t see it. He couldn’t shake the feeling that this didn’t sound good.

“Tell me”, he said, with a low voice.

Ten cleared his throat, clearly uncomfortable, _“Are you sitting?”_

Chenle sighed, letting go of all hope that this was just a catching up call. Something had happened. He sat down on his bed, cold sipping down his spine.

“What’s going on?”, he asked.

 _“There…”_ , Ten hesitated, _“There are more pictures, Lele. Of you, Donghyuck and Jaemin. All around the internet. And I wish I could say they looked innocent, like you’re just old friends catching up, but… Mr. Seo wants you to lay low.”_

Chenle breathed in, hanging his head low as he closed his eyes, trying to listen to Ten’s words through the static. He slided off the bed into the floor, raising his knees to hide himself.

“What are you saying?”, he forced out, barely hearing his own voice.

_“I’m saying that.. You need to be careful. There’s already one lawsuit, and Mr. Seo was hesitant about suing Dispatch, but they’re on your tail, Lele. There’s just so much one can take.”_

His eyes burned, and he hid his face in his knees, hugging his legs with his free arm. A sob escaped his lips, as he tuned Ten out. Chenle couldn’t stop his tears. After everything, maybe he should be used to it, but he wasn’t just worried about himself.

“What are they saying about Donghyuck and Jaemin?”

Ten sighed, _“Nothing worse than they’ve already said. They’re after you, not them.”_

Chenle took in a deep, shaky breath. It wasn’t much, but at least there was something. That was fixable, he told himself and his broken heart.

“Good”, he whispered to himself, determined to right this for them.

 _“The hiatus will only end after everything’s under control”_ , Ten said, but Chenle wasn’t paying attention, _“I’m sorry, kiddo.”_

Chenle gulped, feeling his hands start shaking. The tears he had managed to control now ran free, because he knew exactly what he was going to do. 

“Can I post another letter?”, he asked.

 _“I can ask”_ , Ten sounded confused but he didn’t question him.

Chenle didn’t move, for all the time it took Ten to get back to him with an answer. He ignored his parents calling him for lunch, ignored Jeno’s messages and Donghyuck and Jaemin’s calls. He just stared ahead, at his white wall, wet tracks of tears in his cheek, until Ten told him he was allowed to write his letter.

  
  
  
  
  


_“I’m in the wrong, taking my hiatus lightly and meeting up with Jaemin and Donghyuck. They didn’t understand the gravity of it all, since they were friends I hadn’t seen in a long time, and I sincerely apologize to them for everything that happened because of me._

_I also apologize to Jeno hyung, whom I hurt by being so careless. I apologize to our fans, whom I keep disappointing. I’ll work hard to become someone that deserves all the love that you've been giving me.”_

  
  
  
  
  


“Sweetheart?”, his mom called him from the half open door, peeking through to the dark room, “Donghyuck and Jaemin are here.”

Chenle hid himself under his covers, not wanting to see her worried face. It had been days since he stepped out of his room, even longer since he left the house. His phone, completely out of battery, was somewhere on the floor where he had thrown it. 

He hadn’t been talking to anyone, much less Donghyuck and Jaemin.

“Tell them to leave, please”, he said with a hoarse voice.

It was pathetic, he was already aware of it, but he was just so tired of everything going wrong. Chenle was tired of being a burden, and the only way he wasn’t, apparently, was by locking himself away. 

He didn’t see his mom’s reaction, but heard her sigh, closing the door as she left. Chenle closed his eyes tightly, listening for Donghyuck’s car leaving the driveway, letting the sound lull him back to sleep.

It was dark out when he woke up again. His mom hadn’t even knocked before walking into his room, turning on the light and pulling the blanket from over Chenle’s head. He blinked, trying to get used to the bright light, his mom looming over the bed.

“Get up”, she said, pulling on his hand, “Come on, enough wallowing in self pity, get up.”

Chenle groaned, letting himself be pulled, getting up from the bed. His mom dragged him all the way to the bathroom, pushing him inside and closing the door before he could even notice.

“Mom?”, he called, completely confused.

“Take a shower, you’re gross”, she said through the door, “After that, you’re going to come eat with me and your father. I don’t know what happened, Chenle, but this isn’t you. You don’t have to go out if you don’t want to, but I’m not going to watch you waste your life in that bed, hear me?”

Chenle sighed, messing his own hair. His mom didn’t wait for an answer, as he heard her footsteps walking away from the bathroom. He turned to stare at himself through the mirror, and he couldn’t say he recognized the person staring back at him.

He felt more like himself after his shower. His mom had left clean clothes for him on top of the toilet seat, and his heart felt heavy in his chest at what he had made his parents go through these weeks. That really wasn’t him. Chenle was used to falling, but he never stopped trying to get up.

So he went out and he had dinner with his parents. He watched a movie with them after, smiling fondly to himself as he listened to his dad's questions about the movie plot, and his mom complaints that his dad wouldn’t shut up. He ignored everything else during those few hours, and he was happy.

Until his parents went in for the night and Chenle had to go back to his room and face the mess his life had become. 

He put his phone to charge, surface cleaning his room so it wouldn’t feel as disgusting. He sighed, sitting by his desk to look through his song lyrics, all the small phrases he had written in his bursts of inspiration. Chenle chewed on his lip, twirling a pen between his fingers.

His phone wouldn’t stop ringing after he turned it on, but he ignored it, turning his breakdown into yet another song.

  
  
  
  
  


_“Though we are apart right now, we’re always together. Don’t forget, please don’t forget that”_ , Chenle sang softly, eyes closed as he strummed his guitar, _“As long as we keep walking as we follow the bright polaris, we will meet again like we do in our memories.”_

He stopped with a sigh, opening his eyes to his empty room. He put his guitar aside, tired of working and spending most of his time perfecting this one song. It had been a few lonely weeks, creating new songs in his spare time, trying to distract himself. He just wanted to be done.

Chenle scrolled mindlessly through his phone, only answering to Jeno’s messages and ignoring all the rest. Ten had sent him a few, telling him to take care, that he, Kun and Doyoung were there if he needed them. It was sweet but he didn’t really know how to answer so he didn’t. He knew Ten would understand.

Donghyuck and Jaemin’s messages he refused to even read, clearing the notification as soon as they appeared. He let the phone ring when they called. His mom told them enough nos that they stopped trying to talk to him personally, but they wouldn’t give up trying to reach him somehow. Chenle didn’t know if he wished they would. 

He missed them. He knew they missed him too. But he was doing this for them, for their sake. They didn’t deserve to have their lives published, their secrets exposed, just because Chenle didn’t know his place. They would be fine without him. They would move on.

He didn’t know how long he’d been staring at his phone as it rang, the company’s number flashing on the screen.

 _“Lele?”_ , Ten said as he picked up, _“You there?”_

Chenle hummed, resting his phone on his desk and putting it on speaker, “I’m here.”

 _“Good”_ , Ten sounded excited, the most Chenle had ever heard him be in a business call, honestly, _“Everything has been going smoothly with the lawsuits, and since you’ve been keeping yourself out of the media, Mr. Seo decided that your hiatus is over. You can come back.”_

He just stared at his phone, unsure if he was actually hearing what he was hearing. His eyes burned, his shoulders relaxing as he felt a weight being lifted off them. He let out a long breath.

“I can go back?”, he whispered, heart heavy for another completely different reason.

 _“Yep. Comeback preparations should resume shortly”_ , Ten went on and Chenle could practically hear his smile, _“You’ll have a week to get ready, to say goodbye to your family and… Well, everyone.”_

He swallowed around the lump in his throat. Chene loved being with his family, and Busan would always be his home, but he missed the dorms and Jeno more than he could explain. He was so happy to be able to go back, to leave all of this behind and start again. He’d do it right this time. 

Even though his heart was breaking in his chest, and he knew it was the end, Chenle still felt relieved. He wouldn’t see them again, but at least Donghyuck and Jaemin were free.

“I can’t wait to go home”, he said and he meant it.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle got his suitcase from the trunk of his dad’s car before slamming it shut. It was way too early to be awake, but he had wanted to leave at a time where the station wouldn’t be too full. He sighed, turning to look at his parents, who were waiting for him.

His mom smiled at him.

“My sweetheart”, she said, cupping his face between her hands, “Take care of yourself, yeah? Do anything you want to do. Enjoy your life the way you want to, okay? You deserve it.”

Chenle swallowed around the lump in his throat, eyes burning at her words. He hugged her before she could go on and make him cry. His dad smiled at the both of them, raising his hand to pat Chenle’s head.

“I’ll miss you both”, he whispered, closing his eyes, “I’ll come visit more often.”

His mom stroked his back, cooing.

“You better!”, she said before letting him go.

Chenle gave his dad a hug as well, while his mom fussed over his things, making sure he had everything he needed. He really was going to miss them, chest heavy with guilt for making their lives hard when he was around. He should’ve done better for them, he knew. 

He got into the station by himself, walking backwards so he could wave his parents goodbye. It felt like leaving a piece of his heart behind. Chenle sighed, going to a cabin to get his ticket.

Now that he was here, all by himself, he could feel the weight in his shoulders, the loneliness wrapping its fist around his heart. The cold in his spine, the nagging feeling in the back of his mind he was making a mistake, even if he knew he was doing the right thing. Distracting himself, now that he had nothing else to do and to think about, was hard.

There was still some time until his train was supposed to arrive, so Chenle found himself an empty bench and sat down, willing the minutes to go by faster. 

It was around ten minutes later when he heard someone call his name.

“Chenle!”

He looked around, eyes widening when he found Donghyuck and Jaemin running in his direction. He got up, unsure if he wanted to run away or run towards them, and it was in his hesitation that they caught up to him. 

They looked like a mess, Donghyuck’s hair was all over the place, and Jaemin was still wearing their pajama shirt. Chenle stepped back when they got too close and they stopped, holding their hands out like they wanted to reach him. Donghyuck and Jaemin were the ones running, but Chenle was the one out of breath.

“Chenle”, Donghyuck repeated, looking from Jaemin back to Chenle when Jaemin nodded for him to keep going, “Chenle. Please hear me out.”

Chenle crossed his arms, taking another step back.

“I have nothing to say to you.”

Donghyuck lowered his hand to hold the hem of his shirt, “But I do. The both of us do. Please don’t run away from us.”

That was exactly what he wanted to do. He made to reach for his suitcase when Jaemin finally spoke up.

“Lele, please”, they begged, stepping forward but making no motion to stop him.

Chenle let out a long, shaky breath, letting his arms fall by his side. This wasn’t a good idea, his mind screamed at him to go, but his heart wouldn’t let him move. He didn’t speak, had no strength to do so, just looked at them, waiting for them to talk.

“I’m sorry”, Donghyuck said, eyes shiny with tears, “All those years ago, I should- I should’ve been more understanding. I knew you were tired, and I knew you were trying. I should’ve been better for you”, his voice got lower after each word he said, “I knew I was making a mistake but I was too prideful to back down. There’s nothing I can do about that now but apologize and try to do better so that’s what I’ll do.”

He sounded firm, like his mind was made and he was sure of what he was saying. Chenle held his breath, unmoving.

“I’m gonna fight for you now”, Donghyuck went on, choked up, “Because no matter how hard I tried I could never let you go. I love you, Chenle. I never stopped, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”

“I love you too”, Jaemin whispered, like Chenle would break if they spoke any louder, “I know you think you don’t have a place with us, but there was never an us without you.”

Chenle’s legs felt weak, and he could barely see them through his tears. His heart was beating so fast it felt like ripping out of his chest. He couldn’t believe their words, it didn’t feel real, it couldn’t possibly be true. He didn’t deserve it.

“Please don’t do this”, he choked out, sobbing, “Don’t say what you don’t mean.”

He squatted down, holding his knees and hiding his face. It didn’t escape him that they were in a train station, and despite it being early, anyone could see him break down.

Donghyuck and Jaemin rushed to him, sitting on the floor before him. Chenle could feel hands on his hair, swiping it out of his forehead, but he wasn’t sure who it was. He gasped, trying to breathe, letting them hold his hands.

“Lele, look at me”, Donghyuck whispered, caressing his palm with his thumb, “Please, baby. We’d never lie to you.”

Chenle raised his head to see the two of them, looking worried, faces also wet with tears. They were holding his hands tightly, like they were afraid he would disappear if they let go. Chenle knew they were being honest and that hurt the most.

“Don’t call me that”, he begged, “I’m nothing but trouble, I don’t deserve either of you.”

“Stop that. None of that was your fault. It doesn’t matter to us, you do”, Jaemin said, as softly as they could, “We love you, Lele, we want to be with you.”

Chenle cried, holding their hands as tightly as they were holding his. He wanted to fight, but he lost his will. All he felt was relief, that despite everything he had them, that he wasn’t on this on his own. He might not feel like he deserved them, but he wanted to, so badly. He had to do his best to make up for it and he promised himself he was going to.

“I love you too”, he said, choked up, “Please don’t give up on me.”

Donghyuck pulled him into his arms, Jaemin following right after. Chenle hugged the both of them back, as tightly as he could. For the first time, being between them didn’t feel wrong. 

They both had a piece of his heart, as he had a piece of theirs, and he would never be lonely again.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle:

Hey, there might be some news soon, I’m sorry. 

I want to speak to Mr. Seo when I get home, please. Thank you.

Ten:

God. Chenle, what did you do? I’m booking a meeting for you.

  
  
  
  
  


“What happened at the train station will definitely come out. So I’d like to make a statement and tell the fans first hand that I’m dating Donghyuck and Jaemin”, Chenle said, as firmly as he could, despite his shaking hands.

He was scared. It was a bold request, but he knew it wouldn’t be a secret for much longer, even if NeoZone sued Dispatch, even if they wouldn’t let him talk, there were still eyewitnesses. It wasn’t like they had been good at keeping to themselves.

Mr. Seo sighed, taking off his glasses and rubbing his temples. 

“Very well, you may do that”, he said, sounding as tired as he looked, “You are right that it will be made public anyway, so you might as well do it on your own terms.”

Chenle let out a relieved breath, relaxing for the first time since he got into that train back to Seoul, Donghyuck and Jaemin sitting by his side.

“Thank you, sir.”

He left the room, the weight of what he was about to do heavy on his shoulders. It was scary, and he knew many things would change, but for the first time, he didn’t dread it. He almost felt ready.

As always, Jeno was there, waiting for him.

“Hyung”, Chenle called, catching his attention. Falling into Jeno’s arms when he opened them for him.

He rarely, if ever, called Jeno hyung if he didn’t have to. But it felt appropriate now, after everything Jeno had done for him. Chenle had so much to tell him, so much to thank him for, so much to make up to, but they had time. He was going to be fine. He was finally home.

  
  
  
  
  


Chenle groaned, rolling around the bed looking for his phone. As always, he found it under his pillow, ringing his usual ringtone, Donghyuck’s name flashing on the screen. He smiled, despite having been woken up, taking the call.

 _“Hi, baby!”_ , Donghyuck greeted him, sounding afar, probably on speaker.

“Hi, sunshine”, he said, closing his eyes, “How are you?”

 _“Did I wake you up? I’m sorry”_ , Donghyuck cooed, banging what seemed like pots and pans, _“I’m good! Just wanted to know if we’re still on for the weekend… Also, I missed your voice.”_

Chenle hid his face in his pillow, feeling his cheeks heating up.

“It’s okay. We’re still on, of course”, he mumbled, embarrassed, “I missed you too.”

Donghyuck laughed softly, also sounding shy, and Jaemin finally made themselves known.

 _“You’re calling Lele?”,_ they asked, _“Oh, that smells good. Hi, baby!”_

“Hi, Nana”, he said, smiling to himself.

 _“Nana, let me go, I’m cooking”,_ Donghyuck complained, huffing and puffing, trying to get Jaemin to let go.

 _“Meanie”_ , Jaemin whined, _“Lele, I can’t wait to see you again, you let me cuddle you. Hyuck's a meanie.”_

 _“You’re so dramatic”_ , Donghyuck said, amused.

They bickered for a while, as they always did. It was cute, they sounded like an old married couple, and dumb as they might be, Chenle was always happy to just listen to them talk. They didn’t meet as often as they wished to, though they always made an effort to make time for each other. Phone calls were their best friend. They made do, they were taking it one day at a time.

“I can’t wait to see you guys again”, he said, and their bickering turned to cooing, ganging up on him.

He just laughed, happy to be where he was.

It took a long time, and he still had a long way to go. Chenle had a lot to work on. But he was willing to do his best, for his parents, for Jeno. For Donghyuck, Jaemin and for himself. He would get there someday.

  
  
  
  
  


**PARADISE to release solo songs ahead of comeback.**

PARADISE members, Lee Jeno and Zhong Chenle, are going to release self written and composed songs, ahead of their comeback in two weeks. 

Zhong Chenle’s song _My Heaven_ , that he wrote for his partners, will be the first one to be released, tomorrow at 6PM. 

_My Heaven_ is a dreamy, R&B song that wishes to show Zhong Chenle’s growth as well as his deepest feelings.

  
  
  
  
  


[+789, -54] I wish someone would write me songs…

[+678, 0] I’m glad Lele’s back, and he looks so much happier. Donghyuck and Jaemin, I hope you guys take good care of our Lele.

[+290, -35] That's so precious, hng.

[+126, 0] Jeno, Chenle, Donghyuck, Jaemin, be happy! Everyone, I hope you’re all happy and healthy!

**Author's Note:**

> songs mentioned (in order):
> 
> ren (nu'est) - paradise  
> nu'est - firework  
> nu'est - love paint  
> nu'est w - l.i.e.  
> nu'est - trust me  
> nu'est w - and i  
> nu'est w - polaris  
> nu'est - my heaven
> 
> thats it!! sdfghjk thank u for reading!! and thank u admins day and night!! every single check in email made me more motivated to finish this!! <3
> 
> thank u to my best friends for being my emotional support readers <3 and for being as excited as me abt this <3 ily <3


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